Growing up, I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A lot. Like I’d walk around my neighborhood at night when I was 11, wearing boots, a faux leather jacket, and carrying a stick around (my stake) “patrolling” for vampires/demons.
I continued to watch Buffy into my teens, and this quote really resonated with me:
I’m cookie dough, okay? … I’m not done baking yet. I’m not finished becoming… whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I’ve been looking for someone to make me feel whole, and maybe I just need to be whole. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next… maybe one day I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then if I want someone to eat m — or, to enjoy warm delicious cookie-me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.
-Buffy, “Chosen” 7.22
Throughout my teens (and honestly, when I was a little kid, too), I spent so much of my time pining over boys and wishing they’d want me back. I wanted a boyfriend who would do sweet things for me, like write me letters, give me white lilies and candy, write cheesy poems about me, and all the other cute things I expected out of my ideal relationship. I was so needy in my relationships and expected my boyfriends to make me happy, but what I really sought from them subconsciously was someone to heal my wounds of insecurities and heartbreak. I needed emotional bandaids and I cried when they didn’t fix me.
Now (at the risk of sounding super big-headed) I have the assets to make me attractive enough to actually have someone want to do all those thoughtful boyfriend things for me. But the funny part is, now I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I don’t want any of it. I even end up pushing people away who try to get too close to me because I want to maintain my independence. Because the quote really is true for me; I am cookie dough. I’m not whole and I’m not ready to be in a relationship.
I get really lonely sometimes, but deep down I know that I’m not ready to share myself with someone without compromising who I am to try to meet their needs. I need to wait, I need to be alone, I need to be content knowing that I am still baking. It may take years, but someday I will be cookies. And for now, I’m perfectly happy knowing that I am cookie dough, warming up in the oven that is my wonderful life.