How I Survived 6 Months Without Shopping

Seven months ago, I had to pack all my clothes before I made the trip from San Francisco back to Santa Barbara for the beginning of the school year. I spent several hours sorting my clothes into piles, packing them into my suitcase, and trying to fit everything in. After re-packing my suitcase several times, I looked around at my living room, clothing awry, and realized how many items of clothing I actually owned.

I knew I spent way too much money on retail shopping, especially considering how I have inconsistent sources of income, but it didn’t hit me until I realized that I could go for a few months with only the clothes in my suitcase; I ended up leaving 3-4 large boxes of clothes back home.

As my bank account balance got so low that I was afraid to check it, I decided I needed to make a change. I was tired of spending my hard-earned cash on things I didn’t even need and only wanted impulsively. I could tell myself repeatedly that I didn’t want to shop, but when I hit the malls or saw a sale on the Urban Outfitters website, I felt helpless. I knew I needed to take action and go cold turkey on my bad spending habits.

I spent a few months working for my dad and reading his blog posts about quitting bad habits, so I turned to him for help. We came to an agreement about a reasonably difficult challenge. I promised to go 6 months without shopping, with the stipulation that for every piece of clothing I bought during this 6 month period, I would have to go a whole week without watching TV (which is an effective punishment for me; I wrote a post every single day for this blog for weeks because my punishment for not writing was no TV for 3 days). I announced the terms of this challenge to my Facebook friends to keep accountability, and agreed that I’d have to announce every slip-up in the challenge on Facebook too.

At first, the challenge wasn’t particularly difficult. I was fine with the clothes I brought with me to school. But after a while, it got worse. Urban Outfitters (which was my favorite store at the beginning of the challenge) had a 50% off sale on the first week of my challenge; I wanted to die. I started having anxiety dreams about breaking the challenge. For several nights, I dreamt that I was at a department store and was tempted to buy something, even though I knew I shouldn’t. Once I even woke up stressed out because I thought I actually slipped up and bought clothes.

For me, shopping is less of a necessity than an impulse. I know I don’t actually need the clothes I buy, but I see something in the clothes that I think I need. At the onset of the challenge, I had insecurities about my appearance, and I subconsciously thought that the clothes I bought would somehow make me magically prettier. As I went further into this challenge, I began to look more critically at these insecurities. I don’t have the all trendiest clothes and I repeat outfits often. Without new clothes as a crutch, I have to depend on my personality and the way I carry myself to make me feel attractive. It’s a difficult process, but it’s working.

Unfortunately, I broke down a couple times during the challenge and bought a few items of clothing. I felt ashamed when I announced my failure on Facebook, or when my dad sent me sad-faced Snapchats in disappointment. Sometimes I kept the slip-ups to myself and wallowed in self-hate.

But what the failure taught me was that it’s okay to mess up. I saw what I did wrong and I experienced the guilt and humiliation when I had to tell all my friends and family that I messed up. Making these mistakes turned out to be a good learning experience: I know how horrible I felt to fail and do not want to relive it during the rest of the challenge.

A few things that helped me in particular were removing my triggers and having lots of support from others. I made sure to unsubscribe to email offers from my favorite brands (there will always be sales and they’ll always email you about the enticing offers). I also made sure not to follow any clothing brand accounts on Instagram to avoid temptation. I would have slipped up even more on this challenge, despite removing my triggers, if it weren’t for the support I gained from members of my dad’s Sea Change Program, who created a forum where they joined in on my challenge and looked up to me for sticking with it.

This challenge was probably one of the most difficult ones I’ve taken on in my life (and I know how much of a shopaholic that makes me look like). It’s hard to stop shopping, especially in a society that focuses so much on consumerism. If you don’t shop, you aren’t cool, you aren’t successful, and you aren’t like everyone else. If you take on a challenge like this, people will inevitably think you’re crazy. But what’s even crazier is being a slave to the system of consumerism. People refer to shopping as “retail therapy” — think about what that really means. As a society, we shop as a form of catharsis, but when I shop, it only makes me feel like a robot who needs to spend hard-earned money on useless, overpriced pieces of cloth.

Before you shop again, stop and ask yourself: do I really want to spend hours of my life working to make money to buy things I don’t even need? Instead, we can spend our money on what we do need and what will make us happy: going out to eat with friends, traveling, experiences with our families. So let’s put a break on the impulsive shopping, because we’re better than our urges and we’re better than the system.

Zero IS a Size

I know I’ve read before about Sophia Bush boycotting Urban Outfitters because they released a shirt that says “Eat Less,” which encourages eating disorders, and there are some articles about it circulating on my Facebook newsfeed. I wholeheartedly agree that the message on that shirt is obviously horrible and problematic; I agree that the company was totally wrong to promote body dysmorphia and eating disorders. I’ll side with Sophia on those points.

But what makes me really upset and offended by her campaign is the slogan “zero is not a size.” For those of you who don’t know much about women’s clothing, our sizes start at 0 (or 00) as the smallest, then 2, then 4, then 6, and so on. I don’t think it’s empowering at all to look down on one body type to validate another.

When I read that article, I almost cried.

Hey, Sophia! I’m a size 0. I’ve struggled with feeling too skinny, having tiny breasts, having a flat butt, and not feeling sexy for so many years, since I was in middle school. I know this might sound like “skinny bitch problems” but it hurts. I sympathize with people who have eating disorders and bad self-image issues, but those kinds of issues apply to people of all sizes. I’ve never been curvaceous and I don’t think my body is perfect. I barely have curves between my waist and hips and reading “zero is not a size” hurts me deeply. Don’t delegitimize my body or my problems.

Instead, let’s celebrate all body types. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and it isn’t productive or inclusive to promote one body size at the expense of degrading another. You’re all beautiful! 0 is a size, but so is 4 and 6 and 8 and 14 and even 32+. Fuck anyone else who tries to tell you differently.

Let Self-Love Be Your Armor

A few years ago, one of my closest friends used to say really mean things to me, nonchalantly. He probably never knew it, but the things he said cut deep into my heart and magnified my worst insecurities. We were always platonic, and he’d tell me I was ugly, that I was flat-chested, or that I had no ass. These were already thoughts I had about myself but tried to ignore, and when he said them out loud, to me, it meant they were true. It meant I really was ugly. I’d cry in private even though I acted like his words didn’t hurt me when I was with him.

Recently, he told me the same thing: that I wasn’t hot, that I wasn’t feminine. Now, I have the self-confidence to know that his words aren’t true. I love myself enough to know that I’m attractive in my own way, to myself. And if I think I’m beautiful, then his words mean nothing. I let them roll off of me because I know they don’t mean anything. If anything, his cutting words are only an indication of his own insecurities, and for that, I want to show him love even more. If he doesn’t love himself the way I love myself, I hope he will someday. But for now, I hear his words but don’t accept them, and use my self-love as my armor. Once you know who you really are and accept that, then nobody can ever hurt you.

Tyrion Lannister’s words sometimes come in handy with this. I have a mole right between my eye and the bridge of my nose, and people used to tease me about it all my life (one guy actually gave me the nickname “Moley” for years). Now, I love it–it makes me unique and gives me a distinctive look. Nobody can make me feel bad about it again.

–Chloe

Jealousy is Stupid; You’re Beautiful

Do the inverse-Pretty Girl Rock: Don’t hate someone else just because she’s beautiful.

I’ve struggled with strong jealousy issues since my teens. Considering how much personal change I feel I’ve undergone since then, it’s hurtful (and embarrassing) to realize that these issues are still present in my thoughts up to now.

Apparently none of my friends have this same issue, but I’ll share it here, even though this is really embarrassing for me to admit. I talk big game about having my emotional shit together, giving people advice on how to deal with their issues, but the truth is that I’m not perfect either.

I used to think that when a guy chose me to be his girlfriend, that meant that someone finally thought I was special enough to want to be with me, and only me. As long as he still wanted only me, I was special. Then, when my boyfriends hit on other girls or told me they thought other girls were attractive, it hurt me badly. I wouldn’t always say it (although I often made a huge stink about it in my teens), but it made me feel horrible. I felt like I didn’t matter anymore because I wasn’t the only person my boyfriend saw as beautiful and desirable. My best guy friend told me that I only have this issue because I only date guys who are jerks (not sure if I can confirm or deny this), but that’s not the whole truth.

My insecurities got, and continue to get the best of me. The sad part is, even after I break up with the jerks who hit on other girls while we’re in a relationship, I still hate on those girls. I look at them very carefully, trying to figure out what about them makes them so much more special than I am.

Is it because she has longer hair? Is it because she smiles more? Is it because she’s more Asian than I am? It’s probably because she has bigger boobs. Or maybe it’s because she actually dresses like a stereotypical girl. I start to think about what I’m lacking based on what I see in my self-prescribed rivals. Whatever makes them beautiful is what makes me plain and not enough to keep my man to myself.

I caught myself doing this yesterday when I met a few girls who fell into this weird category I made. And I felt really shitty because these girls are so friendly, so nice to me, and so beautiful. My logical self knows that this competition I set in my head is so pointless! I firmly believe that resentment and hate are useless emotions. It’s like that saying, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

What good does it do you to hate someone who hasn’t done you any wrong? The reason I have this pointless resentment is because I have deeply rooted insecurities about myself and I project this onto the beauty I see in other people.

Jealousy is a waste of time. It’s stupid. It’s stupid. It’s stupid.

I’ve found that it helps to make a list of the things you love about yourself (looks, personality, etc.) and refer to it when you get jealous about other people.

I have a ways to go with getting over jealousy and being more content with my physical appearance, and I hope you’ll all go on this journey with me to achieving greater levels of self-love.

We can do this together by agreeing not to hate other people just because they have something you wish you had, whether it be materialistic, beauty, or aspects of their lives.

We can stop hating the “hoes” that our boyfriends like (also, that’s an indicator that your boyfriend is an asshole, not that a girl is trying to steal him just by being herself).

We can do this by realizing that although there are things about ourselves that aren’t perfect, there are also many things that make us uniquely beautiful. Love yourself because you’re beautiful, and appreciate the beauty in others.

And if you need a reminder, read this and love your body because YOGO.

–Chloe

Love Your Body Because YOGO

YOGO: You Only Get One.

“Why do you live in your body like you will be given another? As if it were temporary. You starve it, you let anyone touch it, you berate it. Tell it that should be completely different. You tug at your soft flesh, wish it thinner, wish it gone. You fall in love with those who praise the way it sighs under their hands, but who praises the way it holds up your weight, even when you are falling apart?”

–Warsan Shir (I got this quote from Tumblr so I’m not 100% sure the source is accurate)

I came across this quote months ago and it touched me. I’ve gone through periods of my life when I hated parts of my body. Everyone always told me how skinny I was, but I didn’t see it. I saw a belly that covered the rock-solid abs I wanted. I saw boobs that weren’t big enough. I saw a big fat mole covering my face. And after gorging myself this summer, I see a butt that won’t fit into my favorite size 0 shorts, and thighs that ripped a seam in my jeggings.

Coming to terms with loving my body has been an uphill battle since middle school, but I’m getting there, slowly. This summer has helped me greatly.

Today I went to a follow-up check-up with a nutritionist I’ve been seeing for a few months. All summer, I’ve looked forward to this check-up because I got to tell her how much I’ve progressed this summer.

It started in May, when I saw the nutritionist because I thought I had an eating disorder (don’t worry, it was a false alarm). She told me, however, that I was very underweight (which I already knew) and that I needed to gain about 15 lbs to be healthier.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but the thought of gaining weight used to scare me, subconsciously, although it took me a long time to admit it. I’ll be honest, I was only 97 lbs and I’m 5’4. My body image standards probably stem from knowing that most of the women in my family are very thin and are around my height. And being constantly bombarded with images of beautiful women everywhere didn’t help either–from Victoria’s Secret commercials to those unrealistically thin girls on Tumblr with the huge thigh gaps, and images of skinny-yet-busty women are everywhere. You get used to it, but that doesn’t stop it from chipping away at your self-esteem.

So this summer, I decided to just say, fuck it. Maybe I won’t be Victoria’s Secret Angel thin, but I’m going to eat, exercise, and have fun doing it. I started keeping a food journal, but eventually stopped because it was too tedious. I probably overdid the eating this summer (I’ll blame/thank my parents for feeding me so well and so much), but the exercising was the key to the increase in my self-love. I still have some body image issues (I mean, who doesn’t?), but what really helped me grow personally and love my body were exercising, eating healthier, and blogging.

I’ve never been athletic in any capacity, but I’ve been trying the less-coordinated sports over the summer. My 4 parents are all regular runners (my mom co-coaches a running group and my dad was training for a 50 miler this year) so their enthusiasm rubbed off on me. I went for jogs with my mom and her running group once in awhile, which was really helpful because they’re all super nice and encouraging, strong women. Seeing women who are 20-40 years my senior kick my ass with endurance and distance was also a good motivator–if they can run like badasses in their 40s-60s, why can’t I do the same in my prime?

Running alone was also helpful for my positive body image and increased self-esteem. Not only did it feel super rewarding to push my limits without anyone but me to push myself, but it was a good opportunity to get some me-time and sort out my thoughts. I highly recommend running–but I’ll also add that people who don’t run very much should start out very small (as I’ve learned from Zen Habits about creating lasting habits). Running was also great for me because you can’t really mess up when you do it, unlike most sports. I have zero coordination, so running was a good way for me to stay fit without having to actually be that athletic.

Aside from running, I started really getting into yoga. Luckily there was an amazing deal for yoga classes at FIT House Davis, where I got to go to yoga for 10 days for $10. I’ve wanted to do more yoga before, but going with my mom and having a set time and date to go were great for getting me to actually do it. If you plan on getting into exercising, (whether it’s yoga, running, or anything else) I recommend going with a friend, family member, or any type of partner who you like enough to follow through with your workout meet-ups. A workout partner can help keep you accountable and can motivate you to actually exercise, since you have an obligation to meet up with them.

Yoga made me feel strong and healthy. I’ve honestly never sweat as much in my life as I did while doing Vinyasa (makes you sweat like a motherf*cker). I’ve also never felt as content with myself and my life as I was when I did yoga and meditation. I promise to do a whole post about de-stressing and yoga/meditating later, but for now, I very highly recommend yoga to everyone–whether you have body image problems (you can get an awesome body quickly by doing yoga), stress issues, anger problems, and so on.

All the working out that I did made me really hungry. And personally, I don’t give a shit about being skinny when I’m hungry. We only eat vegan food at my dad’s house, and I don’t eat red meat at my mom’s house, so I ended up eating very healthy while I was back home for the summer. I missed the days of frozen cheap Totino’s pizzas and bags on bags on bags of sour Skittles, but I got used to their absence when I didn’t have an opportunity to eat much junk-food with my family.

I have the biggest sweet tooth you’ve ever seen, but my tastes changed over the 3 months of healthier eating. I started craving fruit much more than candy. I ate the salads my mom prepared without complaining. I craved veggie burgers from the Habit instead of beef burgers. I only ate McDonald’s once all summer–a stark contrast to the weekly (often more than once a week) McDonald’s I had during the school year. If you make small changes in your diet, your tastes will change eventually, and your body will thank you for it in the long run.

Eating healthier and exercising got my me into good physical shape, but I wouldn’t love my body the way I do now if I hadn’t started this blog. Sorting all my thoughts into writing, sharing my stories with the world, and getting feedback on my writing increased my self-esteem immensely. It’s an amazing experience to hear people I know (and don’t know) tell me about how they’ve gone through the same things I have, or tell me that my advice actually helps. Just knowing that my advice is valid increased my self-esteem, and in turn made me feel better about myself overall–body image included. So I thank my super awesome readers for helping me on this journey; I wouldn’t be where I am today without all your love and support.

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I see so many girls around me–girls I love and respect so much–who all go through this same problem. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard my friends tell each other “ugh, you’re so skinny, I hate you” or “I wish I had a thigh gap” or flat out talk about how much they hate their own bodies. It makes me sick to my stomach to see so many beautiful women hate the way they look and in turn hate themselves. I’m sick of seeing guys say “girls, you’re beautiful no matter what” then talk about girls’ flaws to no end. It’s fake. But this is real.

To whoever is reading this right now, I want you to know that you’re beautiful. Even if you don’t think you’re beautiful by society’s unrealistic standards, just know that you are. So do yourself a favor: stop comparing yourself to others. We are all made the way we are genetically, so there’s really no use in hating yourself for something you can’t change. The problem isn’t the way you look, it’s the way ads and our culture that focuses on symmetrical perfection and unrealistic standards. So fuck the standards! Love yourself!

What makes you most beautiful is having a beautiful heart and really loving yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, be good to yourself, and be genuine towards other people. That’s what makes you beautiful~

Lemme be your Zayn Malik gurl, because you don’t know you’re beautiful

–Chloe