Tagged with love advice

The Secret to Being Attractive

Maybe it’s because I went to an all-girls school during the part of my life when my body transitioned from kid-ish to womanly. Maybe it’s because I was mostly friends with girls until I went to college. Or maybe I’m just not willing to believe that it’s okay for men to be pigs, but it’s not okay for girls to dress *mildly* attractive and not expect to get hounded by unwanted suitors.

Over the last 12 months, I’ve been hit on by guys more than I have in my entire life. It’s new. It’s kind of interesting. But I don’t like it. I probably sound like a bitch (you might tell me I’m not even that hot, get off my high horse) and I’m complaining about people finding me attractive (boo-hoo). It’s not the “finding me attractive” part that bothers me, though. It’s how a lot of guys go about hitting on girls that bothers me. I’m very choosy with who I actually date, and if you come across as a LOS-ing douche, you won’t get very far.

For example, I went to a party a few weeks ago and I had a few guys hanging onto me for a lot of the night, and the whole time they made me feel pressured. I already could tell what they wanted from me, and it wasn’t something I wanted to give them. I got texts for the rest of the night, while I was lying in bed in the room I share with my little sisters, and a guy asked me to go out to meet him. I told him I was tired and my phone was about to die, then he proceeded to beg me, then told me I was “lame” for not wanting to go out (in the cold, walking alone in San Francisco) at night to meet him.

It’s disgusting. You put on a push-up bra and people automatically assume you’re DTF. I found myself wondering on multiple occasions about whether I gave off some kind of vibe that suggests I want sex from everyone. It’s sad because they made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

Meanwhile, the whole time I was being pursued by horny losers, I slowly became more interested in someone else. He was genuinely nice to me and talked to me about things I liked. Movies, travel, types of adventures we’d like to go on eventually. He connected with me on an intellectual level and made me feel like there was more to me than having a pretty face. I can’t recall him telling me I was physically attractive, ever. That took the pressure off of me and let me feel comfortable enough to be myself. Guys like him give me hope.

What set him and the losers apart was his approach. I don’t know about all girls, but I hate being treated like a piece of meat. If I ranked the qualities I liked best about myself, intelligence, sense of humor, the ability to quote dozens of quality TV shows on command, and my identity as a grammar police would all come before beauty. I understand that other people might be flattered and into it when someone hits on them in a sexually aggressive way, but most girls I know are more attracted to a guy who wants more than a hot piece of ass.

If you want to try this highly effective approach too, here are a few pointers.

Find out what she likes and really listen to her talk about it. Don’t interrupt. Don’t nod like you’re interested while your mind is elsewhere. Be a decent human being and listen to this person talk about their passions. If you really can’t handle listening, then maybe find another person you have more in common with and will be more interested in.

Tell her about what you’re passionate about and be honest. Don’t embellish the truth and don’t pretend you’re interested in what she’s interested in — if there’s anything we’ve learned from comedies/rom-coms, this leads to misunderstandings and/or hijinks. She’ll either appreciate your enthusiasm and openness, or she’ll think you’re boring (in which case, the two of you aren’t very compatible and she isn’t a keeper).

Be genuine. This is the most important of all. Most people can tell if you’re acting (unless you’re actually an actor or are Barney Stinson), and nobody likes a person who’s dishonest. When you’re genuine, a person can tell. This is definitely the quality I find most attractive in anyone.

So the secret here isn’t really much of a secret. Be yourself, be genuine, and be interested in getting to know a person below surface level. It might seem counterintuitive but it’s much more attractive when you show interest in a person’s personality rather than their looks. This should also go without saying, but if you treat others with respect, more often than not, they’ll appreciate it and appreciate you.

–Chloe

There Are Plenty of Fish in the Sea, But Focus on the Fisherman

“You’re so young and there are so many people out there for you.”

This is the phrase I find myself telling my friends more than anything else, in regards to love advice. So many people I know (myself included) get hung up over their own relationship drama. We make ourselves miserable when things don’t go the way we want them to in our romantic relationships. But really, what’s the point?

I’ve spent so much of my time feeling bad about issues I create in my head about guys I like, which only distracts me from the awesome things I do have going for me. I’m not trying to brag, but I love my life — I have an incredibly supportive group of family and friends who love me (for whatever reason that may be), I get to travel to fun places several times a year without paying for anything, I go to a UC and have parents who are able to support me, I’m not in debt, and for 9 months out of the year, I live within walking distance of the Pacific Ocean. But most of the time, I forget all of this and let myself focus on the little relationship problems that don’t really matter.

Eventually (recently) I realized that at this point in my life, romance only holds me back from being the person I’m meant to be. When I’m in a relationship, I turn into this needy crybaby who over-analyzes every single thing her partner does. I hope to become better at relationships someday, but I know that I have to work on myself before I get involved with anyone else. Even though it hurt, I took my last breakup as a blessing in disguise. I love being in love, but I realize now that I have to take this time being single to focus on learning to love myself before I can really love another person, without being insecure and bringing myself down.

Part of my realization stemmed from things I read about what people are like while they’re in their 20s. A few months ago, a friend of mine gave me a book about how the 20s are the most formative years of a person’s life (it’s called The Defining Decade by the way, and I recommend it to anyone in their 20s). The book talks about how romantic love is important, but when you’re young, you’re not emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with the stress and other issues that come with serious committed relationships.

I thought about this and agreed —  I noticed that a lot of my relationship problems were a result of my immaturity, or the combined immaturity of my former partners and myself. I see so many other young couples going through crappy relationship problems because both of them aren’t ready to be in a non-codependent relationship in which they treat each other with respect.

Instead, I think young people should spend these formative years focusing on personal growth. We’re young, so we still have a lot to learn about the world and ourselves. Take the time to try new things and push your boundaries. There are plenty of people to fall in love with and plenty of time to do it, but you don’t have all the time in the world to be young or the opportunities you might have now to figure out what you love to do. Focus on doing what you love, and learn to love yourself.

–Chloe

Be the Role Model You Wish You Had

A while back, I was in a toxic relationship. My boyfriend fought with me (verbally) and cussed at me, got mad at me over the littlest things, and made me feel bad about myself deeply. After crying my eyes out while he yelled at me over Skype, I decided that enough was enough. I needed to do better for myself and get out of the relationship.

I’ll also mention that I’m the oldest of 6 children and many cousins in my family, so naturally I serve as a role model for lots of my younger loved ones. So when I decided I needed to get out of the toxic relationship, I knew that I didn’t just need to do it for myself, but for my siblings. They saw my crazy mood swings, from crying at home to being elated and browsing Pinterest for our wedding ideas. They didn’t mention it to me, but I could tell they knew that this relationship was taking a toll on me.

If I let my little sisters see me stay with a guy who treated me with disrespect, I’d be sending them the message that it’s okay to let someone abuse you and not do anything about it. And if I let my younger brothers see me take the emotional abuse and still give love to my partner who wronged me, they might think it’s okay to treat their future girlfriends or wives that way too.

I used the goal of setting a good example for my siblings as a driving force to be the strongest person I could be. I said goodbye to the bad relationship with the intention of never looking back.

I have strong female role models in my life, and I wanted to be the same kind of person who could inspire those who look to me as an example. I couldn’t handle if it if I saw my little sisters in abusive relationships, much less if I knew it was because they learned the passive behavior from me. So when it gets hard to try to do the right thing, I remember the boys and especially the girls who look up to me and use them as my motivation. If you have anyone in your life who has you as a role model, keep them in mind when life gets rough. Even if you can’t be better for yourself, be strong for them.

–Chloe

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What to Do When Your Partner Isn’t Perfect

This is something everyone should find relatable — nobody is perfect. 

Most people have a mental checklist of qualities they look for in a partner. For example, my ideal guy would be 6 ft or taller, have amazing dark eyebrows (basically I just want someone who looks vaguely like Brandon Routh and will serenade me like Darren Criss), watches all of my favorite TV shows, reads a lot, doesn’t play video games, loves to cuddle, etc.

But if you look back on the people I’ve actually dated, none of them meet any of those standards. You may argue that I don’t have game or that I don’t choose good partners, but that isn’t true (at least on one of those counts). I choose people who are nice to me, treat me with respect, enjoy my company, and laugh at my lame jokes.

The point is, these standards of perfection for a partner don’t matter. If I don’t expect my boyfriend to meet all of those superficial standards, why should I expect anything else of him, other than to treat me with love and respect?

It’s so easy to find things about your partner that annoy you or that you think are deal breakers. But really, you’re dating a human. Imperfection is in our nature. And if you did somehow find a person who’s “perfect,” then he’d be boring because he lacks that passion and spice you get with a real person who has quirks.

Don’t expect anyone to be exactly who you think they are, because then you’ll never be happy. Instead, be aware of those expectations. They’re a result of years of brainwashing by Disney movies (I apologize for bashing Disney movies because it seems like everyone loves to blame them for all our emotional/psychological problems nowadays) in which the princess and prince fall in love and live happily ever after, rom-coms in which characters end up with their modern-day happily-ever-after,  and our society’s too-idealistic take on love in general.

Recognize that your partner is flawed, but love him anyway (unless those flaws are serious, like he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t make any effort in the relationship, or makes you feel bad about yourself intentionally. In which case, dump his ass). And remember that you’re flawed too, but you should expect people to love you in return as well.

I feel a little sad that I don’t look at life through the same rose-colored glasses that I used to, but I’m starting to accept that people aren’t exactly what you want them to be, and that’s okay. Be grateful just knowing that you actually have someone to love, who loves you back. Without being greedy, there isn’t much more you need to ask for.

-Chloe

How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship

She checks his phone when he’s not looking. Or she makes him give her his phone so she can check it in front of him.

He proposes to her after they’ve dated for a month and gets upset when she wants to take it more slowly.

They have each other’s Facebook passwords. Or worse, they share a joint Facebook account.

She sees his overt jealousy as love and protection instead of mistrust and disrespect.

He suggests changes she could make in her physical appearance to make her more attractive to him, like cutting her hair or dropping a few dress sizes.

She stops telling her close friends about the problems in their relationship because he says it’s the two of them against the world.

They talk to their exes when they want to make each other feel bad.

They keep score of different times their partner has messed up in the relationship, to throw it back in their face during a fight.

They change their Facebook pictures from couple pictures to ones of them alone when they’re mad at each other.

Does any of this sound familiar? These are all examples of what it’s like to be in a toxic relationship.

I’m not proud to admit this, but I’ve been in a toxic relationship myself (and I’m going to spill my guts a lot in this post, so be gentle with me). Unfortunately, all of the above are things I’ve experienced in the past. It hurts to see people I care about going through toxic relationships, and if you think you might be in one too, think critically about your relationship. Re-evaluate what it means to you and try out these steps.

Talk to someone.

It’s easier to stay in a relationship when you’re isolated to talking to your partner more than anyone else. It’s unhealthy to have this type of codependency with your partner, and if you feel like things aren’t going so well with your relationship, it helps to get an outside, objective opinion. Talk to a close friend or family member who has your best interests in mind. It’s easy to get swept up in what your partner says to you, but when a person outside of your relationship validates your feelings or worries about the relationship, it can help you see things more clearly.

Branch out.

If you don’t have one already, create a network of friends and family who will help you get through this breakup with love and support. One of the things I fear most when it comes to breakups is being alone. But if you have at least a handful of people who you know will have your back when you go through with the breakup, it makes it a whole lot easier. Near the end of my destructive relationship, I realized how I hadn’t been in contact with a lot of my friends from high school and some of my relatives I used to be closer to. I looked past the awkwardness and vented to them without filtering any of the bad stuff about my relationship that I usually hid from people. It was a little embarrassing at first, but they each assured me of what I wouldn’t admit to myself. I had chosen a partner that was treating me poorly. With their support, I gained the confidence I needed to face him and end our relationship for good.

Make your intentions clear to your partner.

If you don’t tell him straight up that you do not want him in your life anymore, he might get the wrong idea. I made the mistake of answering a persistent ex’s calls even though I really wanted to move on with my life. I was so used to talking to him (and I even missed him) so I gave in. After awhile, I tried ignoring him, but it didn’t work. The best way to let someone know you don’t want them in your life anymore is the simplest way: tell them upfront. In a decisive yet respectful way, tell him that you want to stop talking to each other so that you can go on with your lives separately. If he tries to win you back or sweet-talk you, be even more direct and tell him that you don’t want him romantically any more and ask him to respect your decision. That won’t always work, and if it doesn’t, you’ll need to go cold turkey and block him.

Block him from your life as much as possible.

Make it a point not to contact him. At all. Delete his number from your phone (and use Mr. Number, a useful blocking app, to block his calls and texts), unfollow/unfriend him on every social networking platform you both use. If you initiate conversation or even respond to him when he talks to you first, he won’t take you seriously. He could try to wear you down, but you have to stay strong and stay away. Check out this other awesome lovescrewed post for ways to keep your ex out of your life.

Mourn the relationship, but embrace the change.

A definitive chapter of your life is over, so you should allow yourself to feel sad and cry it out if you need to. Take as much time as you need to let all your emotions out.

Now that you’ve gotten out of the destructive relationship, the worst is behind you. However, that doesn’t mean that it’ll be easy taking on what comes next. You’re alone. The thought of being alone can be really scary, but it can also be a good thing. Change isn’t always bad — it’s just different. You need to allow yourself to get used to this change in your life and recognize all the good that comes along with it. You’re out of a bad relationship. You have the freedom to explore and figure out who you are as an individual. The possibilities are endless.

Explore what life has to offer you.

It may seem like I’m bashing my ex and making our relationship out to be horrible, but that’s not how it was. We just weren’t right for each other in the end and we both had a lot of growing up to do (and I’m admitting here that I was very much at fault too). This relationship helped me to grow personally more than almost any other experience in my life, and that’s what I take away from it. Don’t look back in anger (cue Oasis song) at your relationship, no matter how toxic it was, how much you wish you’d done things differently, or how poorly your ex may have treated you. Look at it as a learning experience. Even though you may have thought this person was your world, that isn’t true. There’s a world around you full of people you can share your life with and who can help you be happier than you would be if you stayed in the toxic relationship. Appreciate this not as an ending, but as a new beginning.

-Chloe