You’re Better Than Backsliding

If you’ve ever been through a breakup (at least with someone who hasn’t done anything truly horrible to you), there will almost inevitably be a point when you start to think about them again. You think, “what if?” What would happen if we got back together? Would it really be that bad? Actually, it’d be awesome… why did we even break up in the first place?

This is backsliding.

Backsliding can often refer to sex with an ex partner, but it also can refer to getting back into relationships with former partners.

Sometimes it really is okay and people can get into happy relationships after they’ve broken up and gone through their own personal changes, or if they broke up just because of certain circumstances (e.g. not geographically near each other, conflicting schedules, not emotionally ready yet, etc.).

But more often than not, backsliding is emotionally unhealthy and should be avoided.

I’ve been tempted to backslide more times than I’d like to admit, but I know it’s in my best interest to keep moving forward. Your relationship ended for a reason. Unless that reason is gone and circumstances have changed, and unless your partner is worth your time and effort, you shouldn’t waste your time going back. If you spend so much time stuck in the past, you’ll never enjoy the present.

Here are a few tips I use to avoid backsliding:

Remember why you broke up. If you aren’t together anymore, there’s probably a good reason. Maybe you two fought a lot or weren’t compatible. Maybe he flirted with other girls right in front of you. Maybe he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship (or maybe you weren’t ready either). It is most especially in your best interest if you don’t backslide into a formerly toxic relationship. If he abused you physically/emotionally, cheated on you, or seriously disrespected you somehow, do not forget about this. Use it as a reminder of why you shouldn’t get back together, but don’t let it hold you back from moving forward with your life.
Remind yourself about the deal breakers. E.g.: he didn’t share your core values, he didn’t remember your birthday, he didn’t get along with your best friend, he identified as a “men’s rights activist” (true story from one of my friends), he spent more time playing video games than paying any attention to you, etc. Being in a relationship with someone means that you’ll spend a lot of time together. If you know that you can’t stand being around him because of these deal breakers, why bother trying again? This is your chance to find people whose company you do enjoy. Don’t miss it!
Think about the future. Do you really want to end up with this person? If you don’t see the relationship going anywhere in the future, why waste your time with someone who you don’t see yourself with in the long haul? Sticking with someone just because they’re familiar or because you’re comfortable with them can hold you back from meeting new people who you may be much more compatible with, or someone who you could live with happily, instead of your ex.
Ask yourself why you’re doing it. Are you lonely? Do you miss the familiarity of your old relationship? Loneliness comes and goes, but it can lead to true happiness as you grow stronger and find people who bring a positive influence to your life. Familiarity is nice but with time, you can become familiar and comfortable with other people, too.
Don’t settle. Sure, your ex might have made you feel great and attractive at some points in your relationship. He might have done nice things for you sometimes. But always remember that things happen for a reason. If you broke up, it’s only an opportunity to grow as an individual and to start over. Just because your ex is an option doesn’t mean he’s the only option. With time, things will get better. Outside of your past relationship, there is always the possibility of happiness, but if you go back to your past relationship, you’re more likely to get into the same problems you had before and restart that cycle. Try to stick it out even if it’s difficult because the best is yet to come.

Going Steady: How to Decide If You Want to Date Someone Exclusively

Dating someone exclusively in this day and age is a huge commitment. At my university, almost everyone I know is insanely busy — most of my friends are involved in different organizations, sports, Greek life, part-time jobs, partying every weekend, balancing a social life with friends, all on top of having a 12-20+ unit course load. How could you have any time to give to one particular person, much less the effort it takes to be a dedicated girlfriend/boyfriend? So when you decide that you want to date one person exclusively, you make a huge time, emotional, and loyalty commitment. If you’re seriously considering going steady with someone, there are some questions you should ask yourself before you get Facebook official.

Do you have the time? More importantly, are you willing to make time? A relationship isn’t an organism or a living thing like people make it out to be. All it really is is how you feel about a person, how you treat them, and the quantity and quality of time you spend together. Are you willing to set aside a reasonable amount of hours weekly (or however much time you agree to be together) to connect with this person? If you know you’re too busy and can’t or don’t want to allot time for this person, then don’t make the commitment. If you do want to spend your time with her/him, then go for it!
Is your heart in it? Don’t even start it if you’re not willing to put in 100% of your effort. Don’t waste her time if you know you won’t feel like talking to her, going out of your way to show her you care, or being considerate of her feelings.
Do you see this relationship lasting for longer than 3 months? What’s the point in agreeing to put in the time and effort it takes to be in a relationship, if you don’t see this relationship going anywhere? Some people see relationships as a trial run for marriage, so why waste your time and commitment on someone you don’t see yourself with in the long run? Your youth will pass you by more quickly than you think, and you might as well not waste any of it pursuing a person you don’t take seriously.
Are you willing to be with her, and her alone (or him)? If there’s a part of you that still longs for hookups or feels like you’re making a huge sacrifice by giving up the single life, do not get into a relationship. It isn’t fair for your prospective partner if you still want to play the field. Be a decent person and be honest about your feelings — it’s better to admit that you aren’t ready for a relationship than get her hopes up and let her down later when you finally admit you want to be with other people.

I have a love/hate relationship with relationships. I love having a partner and getting the cute jittery butterflies feeling that comes with relationships; it’s one of the most magical feelings in the world. But I also hate the hurt, jealousy, suspicion, and heartbreak that can come with relationships; they’re the most painful feelings I’ve ever experienced. If you decide that the answer to all those questions is yes, then don’t think about the negatives that come with relationships. You owe it to yourself to take a chance on love, so do it. It’s better to live life taking risks on what you think will make you happy, than living a life full of regret and missed opportunities.

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all” –Alfred Lord Tennyson

–Chloe

Jealousy is Stupid; You’re Beautiful

Do the inverse-Pretty Girl Rock: Don’t hate someone else just because she’s beautiful.

I’ve struggled with strong jealousy issues since my teens. Considering how much personal change I feel I’ve undergone since then, it’s hurtful (and embarrassing) to realize that these issues are still present in my thoughts up to now.

Apparently none of my friends have this same issue, but I’ll share it here, even though this is really embarrassing for me to admit. I talk big game about having my emotional shit together, giving people advice on how to deal with their issues, but the truth is that I’m not perfect either.

I used to think that when a guy chose me to be his girlfriend, that meant that someone finally thought I was special enough to want to be with me, and only me. As long as he still wanted only me, I was special. Then, when my boyfriends hit on other girls or told me they thought other girls were attractive, it hurt me badly. I wouldn’t always say it (although I often made a huge stink about it in my teens), but it made me feel horrible. I felt like I didn’t matter anymore because I wasn’t the only person my boyfriend saw as beautiful and desirable. My best guy friend told me that I only have this issue because I only date guys who are jerks (not sure if I can confirm or deny this), but that’s not the whole truth.

My insecurities got, and continue to get the best of me. The sad part is, even after I break up with the jerks who hit on other girls while we’re in a relationship, I still hate on those girls. I look at them very carefully, trying to figure out what about them makes them so much more special than I am.

Is it because she has longer hair? Is it because she smiles more? Is it because she’s more Asian than I am? It’s probably because she has bigger boobs. Or maybe it’s because she actually dresses like a stereotypical girl. I start to think about what I’m lacking based on what I see in my self-prescribed rivals. Whatever makes them beautiful is what makes me plain and not enough to keep my man to myself.

I caught myself doing this yesterday when I met a few girls who fell into this weird category I made. And I felt really shitty because these girls are so friendly, so nice to me, and so beautiful. My logical self knows that this competition I set in my head is so pointless! I firmly believe that resentment and hate are useless emotions. It’s like that saying, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

What good does it do you to hate someone who hasn’t done you any wrong? The reason I have this pointless resentment is because I have deeply rooted insecurities about myself and I project this onto the beauty I see in other people.

Jealousy is a waste of time. It’s stupid. It’s stupid. It’s stupid.

I’ve found that it helps to make a list of the things you love about yourself (looks, personality, etc.) and refer to it when you get jealous about other people.

I have a ways to go with getting over jealousy and being more content with my physical appearance, and I hope you’ll all go on this journey with me to achieving greater levels of self-love.

We can do this together by agreeing not to hate other people just because they have something you wish you had, whether it be materialistic, beauty, or aspects of their lives.

We can stop hating the “hoes” that our boyfriends like (also, that’s an indicator that your boyfriend is an asshole, not that a girl is trying to steal him just by being herself).

We can do this by realizing that although there are things about ourselves that aren’t perfect, there are also many things that make us uniquely beautiful. Love yourself because you’re beautiful, and appreciate the beauty in others.

And if you need a reminder, read this and love your body because YOGO.

–Chloe

14 Tips for All 14 Year Old Girls

My dear younger sister Maia is turning 14 this week and we’re all making a big deal about it. I keep making jokes about her growing womanly body, much to her chagrin. I can’t believe how old she’s getting, and I keep thinking about what it was like to be her age. Fourteen was an emotional age for me (as were many of the subsequent and earlier years) and I wish I’d had someone to tell me these things about life, love, and growing up.

So for Maia, and for any other teenagers out there who might read this, here are a few things I’ve learned:

Boys suck. Especially ones who are your age. I don’t know if they get any smarter or nicer, but here’s hoping they do. Instead of spending all your time thinking about boys (not accusing you of anything, but I definitely used to do this), forget about them. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in love and get your heart broken several times over, so save that for later, when you and your future partner will be much more mature and better equipped to handle all the mess that comes with committed relationships.
Your identity as someone’s girlfriend isn’t an accurate measure of your worth. I used to think that I wasn’t pretty, wasn’t desirable, wasn’t good enough for anyone because nobody asked me to date them in middle school. Do you realize how incredibly stupid that is? As if I were any less of an awesome person just because no 14 year old boys asked me to be their girlfriend! I hope you do realize how stupid that was, and never think of yourself in those terms. Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re not attractive or desirable. It might mean that boys are too intimidated by your coolness to even approach you. Or it might mean that nobody knows you well enough to see what a catch you are. Either way, it doesn’t matter. The only opinion about you that matters is your own.
Don’t change who you are for anyone. There will be many times when you will want to pretend to like what everyone else likes, just to fit in. But let me paint a picture for you: you are no longer in high school, you don’t have to see the “cool kids” anymore, and you are free to do whatever you please without anyone caring. This is real life, beyond the drama-filled teenage years you’re going through. Although it might seem important to act, talk, or dress a certain way just to make other people like you, don’t sell out. Be yourself, and the people who matter will appreciate your genuineness, and the ones who don’t appreciate you are the ones you don’t want to keep around anyway.
Don’t let anyone make you feel less than the amazing person you are. There are always going to be those girls with their designer handbags, their makeup done to perfection, their shiny hair, their I-couldn’t-care-less attitude, blah blah blah. I always felt like a loser around those kinds of girls in high school, and I still catch myself feeling bad around them today. Then I remember, it’s stupid! So what if they dress better than I do? That doesn’t make me any less of a great person, and the same goes for you. (See #14 on this list)
Be nice to your sisters and brothers. I remember being so angst-y (for no real reason) in my early teens. I always wanted to be either alone in my room or blocking out the rest of the world around me with my earphones (because listening to Green Day was way more important than anything else). Thankfully I’m at a less angry point in my life, and I’m much closer to my siblings now than I was when we actually lived together all year. I wish I’d made more of an effort to get to know them as people when we were younger, and hopefully you can learn from my mistake of being a hermit for a few years.
Be good to your parents. (refer to the previous angst-y teenager description) I shut my parents out a lot because I thought they were lame, because even though my parents are actually really cool, TV and general society told me that parents are sooo lame. But that isn’t true! I was too self-involved to think about it before, but I realized later that my parents were always so supportive of me and even paid for me to go to Japan for student exchange, even when they were making a lot less money than they do now and had other kids to care for. I truly love them for that and everything else they’ve done for me. Someday you’re going to regret it if you disrespect your parents, so be good to them and appreciate all that they do for you.
Stick to your passions, even if all your friends think it’s lame. I used to love reading when I was a kid. Up to this day, people I only knew in elementary school remember me as the kid who loved Harry Potter more than anyone. Then when I got to middle school, my world turned upside-down. Apparently sports were cool and reading sucked! I failed at all sports, but the real failure was when I stopped reading for fun like I used to. Eventually I got back into it, but it took awhile for me to realize that you shouldn’t stop doing something just because everyone else thinks it’s uncool. You know what’s really uncool? Quitting on something you love. Whatever your interests may be, forget what everyone else thinks, and keep doing what makes you happy. You’ll never be happy if you spend all your time trying to make everyone else happy.
Friends who make you feel bad aren’t really your friends. In my freshman year of high school, I ended up hanging out with the bad girls group — the girls who smoked pot/cigarettes, had sex, cut themselves, etc. I’m not sure why I even stayed friends with them because we didn’t have anything in common besides an interest in music (which everyone has). They made me feel bad about stupid things, like being too skinny or dying my hair (although in hindsight, the dye job was really gross and they were right about that). I didn’t realize until later that these girls weren’t really my friends, and sought out a new group of girls who I’m still close to today. Even if it’s inconvenient, try and find friends who share your interests and values, even if it means going out of your way to do it. You’ll be much happier in the long run once you ditch the people who are toxic in your life.
The most embarrassing times in your life aren’t all that bad. Believe it or not, I actually appreciate the embarrassing things that happened to me. They’re the funniest stories I have to tell people! At the time, I didn’t enjoy it when I got dumped over Facebook or Myspace or text message, or the time I dated someone with the same first and last name as my grandpa, but it’s hilarious now. So don’t worry about the times when you feel so embarrassed you want to dig your way to China — those are going to be your most treasured anecdotes someday.
Your body is beautiful. Sure, you’re going through that awkward transition between little girl and sexualized woman. As awkward as you might feel, love your body anyway. I remember feeling horrible inside when we had to change our clothes in the locker room for P.E. — I felt like the most flat-chested girl there. It took me a long time to come to terms with being happy in my own skin, maybe because I didn’t have people telling me to embrace the body I had. Instead, I had people teasing me about my tiny boobs. But you know what? You’re beautiful. F*ck everyone who says otherwise. Look at yourself with love and you’ll grow to love yourself.
It’s never the end of the world when you think it is. I felt like I was dying inside when I got dumped at 15. I even cried to my Geometry teacher after class because I had to explain to her why I was too distraught to do my homework the night before. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her that it gets better (and there are much worse times to come), and that he’s not even worth crying over anyway. So when something bad inevitably happens to you, just know that it gets better (although there are also much worse times to come), and that pain is temporary.
Keep a journal. I went back and read through a bunch of my old diaries from high school recently, and the entries were priceless. It took me back to those years and I remembered exactly how I felt. Those journal entries reminded me of what kind of person I was back then and made me appreciate how much I’ve grown into the person I am now, and I want everyone else to have that same gift too.
Don’t waste all your time on Facebook even if everyone else does. When I look back on my early teens/tweens, one of the parts I remember most clearly is being on Myspace 24/7 (yes, I’m old, and Myspace was to me what Facebook is to you). That’s pretty unfortunate, because I grew up on a sunny island with beautiful beaches, and I can count on my fingers the number of times I actually went to the beach in high school. I wasted so much of my time stalking crushes on Myspace or deciding which gross selfie to use as my default picture that I didn’t get to enjoy life as much as I could’ve. So put down your phone/laptop for a sec, and make the most of your teens, because YOLO~
You may not always think so, but you’re awesome. I truly wish I could’ve known this when I was a teen. There were so many times when I felt like a total loser, but looking back, I wasn’t all that bad. Maia, you are one of the most genuinely kind and thoughtful people I know. You have a good head on your shoulders and you take care of all of us, even if you’re not the oldest. Always always always remember that you’re awesome and that I love you.

–Chloe

Be the Source of Your Own Happiness

Enter my life a year ago (or even a few months ago):

I carefully compose a text, inserting “lol” or “haha” in the appropriate places. I send it.

I flip my phone over so that I won’t think about whether or not he responds right away.

I pick the phone back up in about 15 seconds. Yup, it’s on ‘vibrate’. No, I haven’t received any new texts yet.

I throw the phone under my bed. It can’t demand my attention while it’s under my bed, right?

Wrong. I reach my arm under the bed, feeling around for the phone, after a failed attempt at trying to distract myself by reading.

It’s been a few minutes. Why hasn’t he responded? What the hell does he have going on in his life right now that’s more important than talking to me?

Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re an idiot!

No you’re not! Stop it. Get a grip. Jesus.

Okay. Okay. Well I have homework, might as well start on —phone vibrates, buzzes twice– SHIT.

He responded.

All is right in the world. He doesn’t hate me. I’m not stupid. I LOVE MY LIFE.

I text him back, making sure I sound nonchalant, charming, and funny.

I flip my phone over again.

End scene.

————————–

Does this sound familiar to you? If it doesn’t, then good news: you’re much less crazy than I used to be! But if it does sound painfully familiar, then you have a problem. In other good news: it’s a fixable problem.

It’s completely normal to freak out over someone not texting you back when you expect them to. I know lots of people who antagonize over late replies and wonder why someone isn’t responding. It may be normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

It’s dangerous to let your happiness depend on external factors. If someone doesn’t like you back, or if someone cuts you off in traffic, or if your boyfriend gets mad at you about something even if you didn’t do anything, you need to learn that it isn’t about you.

One of the most important life lessons (which I’m still trying to learn myself) is that most of the time, it really isn’t about you. While you’re busy focusing on your own internal narrative, everyone else is doing the same thing too. For all you know, you’re probably hurting someone else or even unwittingly making their day better, without even trying. You’re too busy focusing on what’s going on with you to notice, but so is everyone else.

Although it’s hard to remember not to take things so personally, you need to remember that everyone is going through their own hardships and doesn’t mean to negatively affect you. So if your crush doesn’t respond to your messages, it’s probably not that he doesn’t like you, it’s because he has his own things going on in his life. And you should have things going on in your own life independent of him, too.

If one of the sources of your unhappiness is feeling neglected, you should re-evaluate how much attention you really need from a person. You shouldn’t expect someone to give you their attention 24/7 — that’s humanly impossible (not to mention stalker-y).

Whenever you feel sad because your special someone isn’t texting you back, text someone else instead. Unless you’re a hermit, you have other people in your life who’d love to hear from you (your BFF, your mom, your cousin, a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time, or even me!). This gives you the opportunity to talk to other people in your life, and you should never make one person be your everything. That’s unhealthy too. Appreciate what you do have.

I always mention this in my posts, but you should remember that you’re awesome. Whoever this person is that’s making you so miserable should be so lucky to have your attention. If they’re not making the effort, then why should you? You have a lot going for yourself. Sometimes you just need to remember the good aspects of your life when the bad parts are really weighing on you. (When I need to remember the good parts about myself, I make a list — that usually helps.) You might not believe it at first, but you are enough and you can make yourself happy. Other people will come and go in your life, but you’re going to be stuck with yourself forever, so you might as well learn to make yourself happy.

–Chloe