Posted in Long Distance Relationships

Enjoy Your Surroundings: Adjust or Be Miserable

When I was seventeen, I thought I had a perfect life and spent the next few years feeling miserable, wishing I could have that life back.

I had spent my whole life growing up on Guam, surrounded by a huge family and a network of friends who loved me. I had a serious boyfriend (who was on the football team), I went to a good school (albeit a strict one) with smart girls, I had a best friend who lived a short drive away, I lived in the same house since I was a kid, and I could hang out with my cousins any time I wanted. My life was perfect.

Then during my junior year of high school, my parents decided to move our family to California. I tried to be happy all year, but towards the summer, I was miserable. When we finally moved, I wanted to die. I lost 10 lbs in the first month I was away from home. I cried myself to sleep every night for about a year, until I went back to Guam the next summer.

I used to resent my parents for not letting me go back to Guam, for taking me out of my perfect life on Guam right before I could experience my perfect senior year, for making me miss the year we won Songfest (I cried so hard when I watched the videos of my class’s awesome performance and had to miss it), and for making me miss out on senior prom with my boyfriend (I skipped out on my senior prom in Davis because I was too emo). I resented myself for not telling them earlier that I didn’t want to leave. Most of all, I resented everyone around me for not being my Guam friends and California for not being familiar. I made myself miserable.

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Look how excited I was on my first day of senior year!

I didn’t care about where I was and I decided I’d just go through the motions that year until I got to college. I didn’t make an effort to make any friends; I spent my lunch periods reading Harry Potter alone in a secluded area outside or studying for the SAT (but hey, I got a 1950 with no tutoring, plus straight A’s all year).

Then, before I started college, I got into another long distance relationship. I spent my whole first year of college feeling shitty about everything, wishing I could speed up time and graduate so I could go be with my “soul mate.”

It wasn’t until this year that I finally got over the misery I put myself through. After awhile, I realized that there was no point in being depressed just because I wasn’t back home. Sure, I miss my parents and siblings while I’m at school, I miss my cats, I miss my childhood friends, I miss my family back on Guam. But once I started focusing on what I do have rather than mourning what I don’t, I became so much happier.

I live in Isla Vista, California, where it’s around 70 degrees and sunny most of the time. I live within close walking distance of the Pacific Ocean. I have a handful of awesome friends who all live on the same street as I do. I get to study literature and film in an academic setting and get credit for having brainy discussions with my peers. I get to be a part of organizations I’m passionate about, and work with people my age who are passionate about the same things. I am surrounded by beautiful people, all the time.

All those things were true even through the depression I put myself through during my freshman year, but I didn’t care to acknowledge them. All I wanted was that one guy who lived on Guam who wanted me back.

But now I’m free. I’m finally at a place in my life where I am truly grateful for everything that happens to me (even if I happen to bitch about everything all the time, I don’t really mean it). I see other people I know complain about missing their significant others, complain about missing home, and it makes me sad and frustrated. You may not be in the place you’d like to be at the moment, but for now, you are still in a place full of blessings.

Don’t spend your time feeling bad about what you don’t have, because you’ll never be happy. I had moments of fleeting happiness sparingly for a few years, and I never want to go through that again. I also don’t want to see anyone else go through that either, because it’s the worst.

Instead, be happy. Choose to be happy. Make the choice to be grateful about the amazing life you have, and start by looking around at all the good things around you. It may not be perfect, but neither is the life you’d spend feeling empty, wishing for what you can’t have.

–Chloe

Ways to Make Long Distance Work

As a veteran of long distance relationships (I’ll refer to it here as “LDR”), I’ll tell you straight up what everyone thinks about LDRs: they don’t work. I’ve done 2 years of long distance (from 2 different relationships), spent months researching statistics about the outcomes of LDRs and tips to make it work, and went through months at a time when I’d cry myself to sleep every night because of the stress of long distance (not to mention trying not to burst into tears throughout the day).

I tell everyone I care about who considers getting into an LDR not to do it, because I know firsthand how painful it can be. You feel like half of yourself is missing every minute you’re away from your partner. Whenever you see cute couples, you wish PDA were outlawed. You spend most of your time wishing you were somewhere else or talking to your partner instead of enjoying the company of those around you. (I know it seems like I’m just trying to talk you out of LDRs, but I’m getting to the point) But, I also know how beautiful long distance love can be. If you’re lucky enough, you find a person who you’re crazy about enough to promise them that you’ll be faithful from miles away, that you’ll spend your Friday nights on Skype with them instead of scouring nightclubs for a piece of ass, that you’ll spend your hard-earned money to travel to visit them even if only for a few days, etcetera, etcetera.

So if you’re brave (and crazy) enough to commit to a LDR, here are a few lessons I’ve learned on trying to make it work. Side note: these tips work well for non-long distance relationships too.

  1. Define the terms of your LDR very clearly. Make sure you each understand what the other person expects from this relationship and agree on what you both think is fair to ask of each other. Some of the key topics to discuss before agreeing to the LDR are whether or not you’re allowed to date or get physical with other people, how often you’ll visit each other, how often/when you’ll set aside time to communicate, and so on.

  2. Set a timeline. One of the biggest reasons why LDRs don’t work is because a couple has to be away from each other for too long, so it feels like the pain of being apart will last indefinitely. If you set at least rough dates for when you’ll be able to visit each other, you can count down the days together, and it’ll make the time apart much more bearable.

  3. Take turns and make compromises. Alternate when visiting each other, so you each make an equal effort on spending money or traveling to the other person. Take turns if you need to sacrifice other important engagements to make time for each other, or with staying up late to talk to each other. That way, you don’t feel like one of you is doing all the work with keeping the relationship together, and you appreciate the equal effort your partner makes.

  4. COMMUNICATE. I can’t stress this enough. Without communication, there is no relationship. You don’t have the luxury of seeing each other face to face, so you have to put in the effort and make sure you let each other know what’s going on in your lives. Figure out what works best for you two, then call, Skype, text, email, Facebook message, or send courier pigeons to each other regularly. A lack of communication can cause either party to worry, which can lead to more trouble in the relationship.

  5. Keep a journal or log of what goes on in your daily life. It’s easy to forget what happens throughout the day and when you talk to your long distance partner, you want to have interesting things to tell them. Writing down things you think of that they’ll want to hear about can help you avoid awkward conversations where neither of you has much to talk about, so you can keep the spark between you two. I keep a little notebook in my backpack at school for stuff like this and it helps.

  6. Don’t isolate yourself to the relationship. While you may want to spend every waking moment talking on the phone with your significant other, it’s important to stay close to the friends and family around you. Just because this one person isn’t in your presence doesn’t mean you can’t have meaningful relationships and fun times with other people who care about you too. It’s unhealthy to be codependent in a relationship, so make the most of your situation and cherish the people you do have around you instead of always pining for someone who can’t be there.

  7. Do thoughtful things for your partner to remind them that you care. You can’t see each other face to face on a daily basis, kiss, hug, (or any other physical activities), so it’s easy to lose the romance in a LDR. But you can still do little romantic things to show your affection. You could send flowers or chocolates, themed care packages, etc. Even though it’s super easy to communicate through Facebook, letter writing is a more romantic, thoughtful way to show your love you care. Get creative — write your partner a story about how you fell in love, make handmade cards for your anniversaries, fold up little origami hearts to give them for each day you were apart, make a video montage of your barf-worthy-cute couple pictures. These romantic gestures will show your partner you’re thinking of them, miles and miles away.

  8. Have long distance dates. You may not be able to go out to the movies and hold hands, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still watch movies together and spend quality time. Set a date and time that works for both of you when you can have a Skype date. You can each prepare a meal (simultaneously or before the Skype call) then each eat in front of your laptops, so you can enjoy good food and each other’s company. Or, you could Skype while you each stay in and watch the same DVD at home. Distance can’t stop you from having a good time when you’re both willing to work a little extra to be romantic.

  9. Either stay 100% committed or end it. The worst thing you can do in a LDR is break your promises. Whether you agreed to stay monogamous, call each other once every other day, or text daily, you made a commitment to this person, so you have to honor it. If you lose sight of why you’re in the relationship, think it over and break up with them if that’s what’s right for you. Just don’t string them along while you ignore them or mess around with other people, because that can mess up a person emotionally for the long term (plus it’s wrong).

I probably sound like a cynic here, but that’s not true. I love love. Although I’ve been scorned by love on multiple occasions, deep down, I still believe that there’s someone out there for everyone. And if you think you’ve found that someone, but you’re thinking of ending it because one of you has to move away, don’t give up hope. I put myself through hell going through LDRs, but some of the best, most romantic moments of my life happened because I took a chance and tried. So if you’re going to try long distance too, I wish you the best of luck—and check back on the blog in the future for more posts on LDRs!

-Chloe