How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship

She checks his phone when he’s not looking. Or she makes him give her his phone so she can check it in front of him.

He proposes to her after they’ve dated for a month and gets upset when she wants to take it more slowly.

They have each other’s Facebook passwords. Or worse, they share a joint Facebook account.

She sees his overt jealousy as love and protection instead of mistrust and disrespect.

He suggests changes she could make in her physical appearance to make her more attractive to him, like cutting her hair or dropping a few dress sizes.

She stops telling her close friends about the problems in their relationship because he says it’s the two of them against the world.

They talk to their exes when they want to make each other feel bad.

They keep score of different times their partner has messed up in the relationship, to throw it back in their face during a fight.

They change their Facebook pictures from couple pictures to ones of them alone when they’re mad at each other.

Does any of this sound familiar? These are all examples of what it’s like to be in a toxic relationship.

I’m not proud to admit this, but I’ve been in a toxic relationship myself (and I’m going to spill my guts a lot in this post, so be gentle with me). Unfortunately, all of the above are things I’ve experienced in the past. It hurts to see people I care about going through toxic relationships, and if you think you might be in one too, think critically about your relationship. Re-evaluate what it means to you and try out these steps.

Talk to someone.

It’s easier to stay in a relationship when you’re isolated to talking to your partner more than anyone else. It’s unhealthy to have this type of codependency with your partner, and if you feel like things aren’t going so well with your relationship, it helps to get an outside, objective opinion. Talk to a close friend or family member who has your best interests in mind. It’s easy to get swept up in what your partner says to you, but when a person outside of your relationship validates your feelings or worries about the relationship, it can help you see things more clearly.

Branch out.

If you don’t have one already, create a network of friends and family who will help you get through this breakup with love and support. One of the things I fear most when it comes to breakups is being alone. But if you have at least a handful of people who you know will have your back when you go through with the breakup, it makes it a whole lot easier. Near the end of my destructive relationship, I realized how I hadn’t been in contact with a lot of my friends from high school and some of my relatives I used to be closer to. I looked past the awkwardness and vented to them without filtering any of the bad stuff about my relationship that I usually hid from people. It was a little embarrassing at first, but they each assured me of what I wouldn’t admit to myself. I had chosen a partner that was treating me poorly. With their support, I gained the confidence I needed to face him and end our relationship for good.

Make your intentions clear to your partner.

If you don’t tell him straight up that you do not want him in your life anymore, he might get the wrong idea. I made the mistake of answering a persistent ex’s calls even though I really wanted to move on with my life. I was so used to talking to him (and I even missed him) so I gave in. After awhile, I tried ignoring him, but it didn’t work. The best way to let someone know you don’t want them in your life anymore is the simplest way: tell them upfront. In a decisive yet respectful way, tell him that you want to stop talking to each other so that you can go on with your lives separately. If he tries to win you back or sweet-talk you, be even more direct and tell him that you don’t want him romantically any more and ask him to respect your decision. That won’t always work, and if it doesn’t, you’ll need to go cold turkey and block him.

Block him from your life as much as possible.

Make it a point not to contact him. At all. Delete his number from your phone (and use Mr. Number, a useful blocking app, to block his calls and texts), unfollow/unfriend him on every social networking platform you both use. If you initiate conversation or even respond to him when he talks to you first, he won’t take you seriously. He could try to wear you down, but you have to stay strong and stay away. Check out this other awesome lovescrewed post for ways to keep your ex out of your life.

Mourn the relationship, but embrace the change.

A definitive chapter of your life is over, so you should allow yourself to feel sad and cry it out if you need to. Take as much time as you need to let all your emotions out.

Now that you’ve gotten out of the destructive relationship, the worst is behind you. However, that doesn’t mean that it’ll be easy taking on what comes next. You’re alone. The thought of being alone can be really scary, but it can also be a good thing. Change isn’t always bad — it’s just different. You need to allow yourself to get used to this change in your life and recognize all the good that comes along with it. You’re out of a bad relationship. You have the freedom to explore and figure out who you are as an individual. The possibilities are endless.

Explore what life has to offer you.

It may seem like I’m bashing my ex and making our relationship out to be horrible, but that’s not how it was. We just weren’t right for each other in the end and we both had a lot of growing up to do (and I’m admitting here that I was very much at fault too). This relationship helped me to grow personally more than almost any other experience in my life, and that’s what I take away from it. Don’t look back in anger (cue Oasis song) at your relationship, no matter how toxic it was, how much you wish you’d done things differently, or how poorly your ex may have treated you. Look at it as a learning experience. Even though you may have thought this person was your world, that isn’t true. There’s a world around you full of people you can share your life with and who can help you be happier than you would be if you stayed in the toxic relationship. Appreciate this not as an ending, but as a new beginning.

-Chloe

What to Do When You’re In Love with Your Best Friend

Full disclosure: personally I haven’t had much experience with this problem (since I grew up with my BFF and we’re like family), but falling in love with a friend can be tricky. Of course you value your friendship with this person (otherwise you wouldn’t be “best friends” or even reading this post if you didn’t care). But if you’ve started to move into that awkward territory where you think you may have feelings for your bestie, you might want to think it through before you take any action.

Sort out your feelings

One of my close cousins gave me some really sound advice about how to tell whether or not you like or like-like a friend. In her words, to put it crudely, the only difference between a friend and a love interest is that you want to make out/have sex with one and not the other. Ask yourself the hard questions. If the thought of just kissing your friend grosses you out or feels wrong for you, that’s a good indication of your true feelings. If you have feelings of physical attraction for your friend, that might just be natural magnetism. Or, it could be something more, and if you feel in your gut that it’s right, then go for it.

Read between the lines

If you’ve decided that you are attracted to your friend, try to figure out whether or not your friend may like you back. This can be difficult because signs are hard to read and easy to misinterpret. If she has made any suggestive hints at being attracted to you (beyond an obviously joking way) or shows some signs of being interested, you might want to take that into consideration. But make sure not to over-analyze and read into everything she does and says to figure out if she likes you or not.

Think it through carefully

Before you try to make a move on your friend, make sure you’ve thought it through carefully. A few of the worst outcomes in this situation are that you reveal your feelings to your friend and she rejects you or feels too weird to be friends with you anymore. Or, she could reciprocate those feelings and you could have a shot at happiness together. The best way I’ve found to think through all your options and outcomes is to make a pro/con list. After thinking through the possibilities, you can make a decision that you’ll be comfortable with.

Take control over your situation

If you think it’ll help you and won’t ruin your friendship, you should tell her how you feel. You may become miserable (if you don’t already feel that way) if you aren’t being honest with your friend about how you feel. You owe it to yourself to pursue what makes you happy. And if you think this is what’s right for you and your friend, then take a risk. Be sincere and tell her how you truly feel. It may sound cheesy, but you don’t really live fully unless you allow yourself take a chance on love when it presents itself to you. And who knows, you might end up with the love of your life after putting yourself out there.

-Chloe

Note: I refer to the friend as a female throughout the post but feel free to switch it to male if necessary!

4 Essential Rules for Having Friends With Benefits

Let’s be real. Girls have needs. But sometimes you’re not at a place in your life when you want a relationship. Fortunately, we’ve got the almost-perfect solution for you: FWB. Being friends with benefits with someone is always tricky, especially if you’ve dated before or if you have any feelings for them. So before you get yourself tangled up in a web of complicated emotions and used condoms (too far?), check out these essential rules for maintaining a fun and strictly physical relationship with someone.

1. Keep it purely physical. You can text him at night when you’ve got that itch you can’t scratch. You can call him when you want someone cute to make out with. But do not call or text him when you think of a song that reminds you of him, or when you get an A on a paper. You have friends and family to share your good news with and to be there for you when you need them emotionally; you don’t need him for that. If you find yourself wanting to talk to him constantly, either break it off immediately (for your sanity) or consider talking to him about having a more serious, emotional relationship.

2. Stay distanced. Don’t stalk him. Don’t follow his updates on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. It’s a lot more difficult to stay uninvolved with him if you have social networking sites constantly telling you what he’s up to or who he’s talking to. This makes it easier to worry less about him and focus on doing what makes you happy.

3. Remember that you’re not his girlfriend. You can’t ask him who else he’s seeing, and if you do find out that he’s seeing other girls, you’re not entitled to get angry or jealous. FWB means “no strings attached,” so don’t forget that he’s allowed to go on dates or sleep with whomever he wants. If you have a problem with that (like I said before), either stop seeing him or tell him how you really feel. Don’t force yourself to keep this agreement going if you’re having bad feelings about it.

4. Remember that he’s not your boyfriend either. The “no strings attached” rule works both ways. That means you can see whomever you want, whenever you want, without having to feel bad or worrying about your FWB’s feelings. You aren’t obligated to meet his parents, watch the shitty movies he likes, or do any other girlfriend jobs you don’t want to do. And that can be a blessing.

As fun as FWB can be, TV and movies have taught us over and over again that more often than not, these types of relationships end up with someone getting hurt. Even though Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake (and Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, in basically the same movie released at the same time) fall in love by the end of Friends with Benefits, your life is not a rom-com. Chances are, your slampiece isn’t going to get a flashmob to dance behind him while he professes his undying love for you. What’s more likely is that you’ll develop feelings for him (because it’s natural to associate sex with romance) and you’ll be hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way. So if any of these rules don’t seem right for you or if FWB arrangements make you uncomfortable at all, don’t do it. And if you still need some help in the sex department, check these out.

-Chloe

Note: This post doesn’t reflect my personal preferences in regards to FWB. I’m a fairly strict monogamist.