Posted in Sex

How to Tell Your Partner That You’re Not Ready for Sex

The topic may sound silly — I mean, who wants to turn down their hot girlfriend who wants to have sex? But this can be a real problem for people who aren’t ready to take that step in their relationship, or who haven’t had sex before. I have a bunch of friends (and I’m sure there are many people who suffer from this problem outside of my social circle) who struggle with the awkwardness that comes with not being ready to have sex when your partner is.  There are many possible reasons why a person wouldn’t be ready for sex. Sex can be a really big deal, especially the first time. Maybe you’re a virgin and you’re waiting for the right person or the right moment for that experience. Maybe you’re waiting for marriage, for a relationship to last a few months, or at least for a few dates. Whatever your reason is for not being ready, it’s valid because it’s in your value system. You can’t help how you view sex based on your upbringing, so make peace with the fact that this is just who you are. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can choose the way you handle this situation.

The most important part of this process is to be honest with yourself. Don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do, especially when it comes to sex. There isn’t any point in having sex if you feel too uncomfortable emotionally, physically, or mentally to do it (the point is to enjoy yourself). The point of sex is also obviously for your partner to enjoy herself, and she won’t be able to do that if you’re not comfortable too. So save the two of you some trouble and talk it through.

With that being said, it’s also equally important to be honest with your partner. Even if you think it’ll be super awkward to talk about it with your partner (and I’m sure it will be at least a little awkward), do it anyway. It’s worth it to go through a bit of discomfort for a few minutes, in order to let your partner know how you really feel. Explain to her specifically why you have qualms about sex, so she can understand that it’s not that you don’t find her desirable or that you don’t want to achieve that kind of intimacy in your relationship (unless those are the reasons, in which case you might want to rethink the whole relationship). Whatever your reason may be, your partner should respect you for it. If she doesn’t respect you even after you have an honest discussion about it with her, she’s not worth your time — you deserve a partner who will honor your feelings and personal boundaries.

-Chloe

4 Essential Rules for Having Friends With Benefits

Let’s be real. Girls have needs. But sometimes you’re not at a place in your life when you want a relationship. Fortunately, we’ve got the almost-perfect solution for you: FWB. Being friends with benefits with someone is always tricky, especially if you’ve dated before or if you have any feelings for them. So before you get yourself tangled up in a web of complicated emotions and used condoms (too far?), check out these essential rules for maintaining a fun and strictly physical relationship with someone.

1.  Keep it purely physical. You can text him at night when you’ve got that itch you can’t scratch. You can call him when you want someone cute to make out with. But do not call or text him when you think of a song that reminds you of him, or when you get an A on a paper. You have friends and family to share your good news with and to be there for you when you need them emotionally; you don’t need him for that. If you find yourself wanting to talk to him constantly, either break it off immediately (for your sanity) or consider talking to him about having a more serious, emotional relationship.

2. Stay distanced. Don’t stalk him. Don’t follow his updates on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. It’s a lot more difficult to stay uninvolved with him if you have social networking sites constantly telling you what he’s up to or who he’s talking to. This makes it easier to worry less about him and focus on doing what makes you happy.

3. Remember that you’re not his girlfriend. You can’t ask him who else he’s seeing, and if you do find out that he’s seeing other girls, you’re not entitled to get angry or jealous. FWB means “no strings attached,” so don’t forget that he’s allowed to go on dates or sleep with whomever he wants. If you have a problem with that (like I said before), either stop seeing him or tell him how you really feel. Don’t force yourself to keep this agreement going if you’re having bad feelings about it.

4. Remember that he’s not your boyfriend either. The “no strings attached” rule works both ways. That means you can see whomever you want, whenever you want, without having to feel bad or worrying about your FWB’s feelings. You aren’t obligated to meet his parents, watch the shitty movies he likes, or do any other girlfriend jobs you don’t want to do. And that can be a blessing.

As fun as FWB can be, TV and movies have taught us over and over again that more often than not, these types of relationships end up with someone getting hurt. Even though Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake (and Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, in basically the same movie released at the same time) fall in love by the end of Friends with Benefits, your life is not a rom-com. Chances are, your slampiece isn’t going to get a flashmob to dance behind him while he professes his undying love for you. What’s more likely is that you’ll develop feelings for him (because it’s natural to associate sex with romance) and you’ll be hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way. So if any of these rules don’t seem right for you or if FWB arrangements make you uncomfortable at all, don’t do it. And if you still need some help in the sex department, check these out.

-Chloe

Note: This post doesn’t reflect my personal preferences in regards to FWB. I’m a fairly strict monogamist.