The 10 Commandments of a Healthy Relationship

Writing for Lovescrewed started out as a way for me to reconcile with the bad relationships I had in the past and learn from them, while I went on my journey to becoming a whole person and loving myself. But then I stopped writing early in 2014 because I got into a new relationship and everything was so exciting and fun—and who wants to read blog posts about me being happy and in love anyway? People come to self-help blogs to get raw, honest advice, and I wasn’t dealing with the ghosts of my past anymore to fuel my writing.

Not to say that I’m unhappy now that I’m blogging again, but as my boyfriend and I grow closer to the two year mark in our relationship, I’ve come to learn a lot about relationships, as this is the longest and most serious one I’ve been in.

Needless to say (since it’s evident in my many blog posts), I’ve had my experience with toxic relationships, and learned from my mistakes. I’ve also learned a lot while navigating through this newer relationship. It’s interesting to see how much your feelings for someone can evolve over the span of a couple years—from smitten to infatuated, to learning that they aren’t the person you thought you were falling in love with in the first place, to accepting them for who they truly are and loving that you can learn new things about them even when you thought they couldn’t surprise you.

It’s not always easy, but if you’re with the right person, it’s worth it and hopefully you’ll grow together.

Here are some of the most useful things I’ve learned, and guidelines I try to live by in a relationship (even if I mess up sometimes):

Promise to yourself to never check their phone. Obviously I’m not proud to admit this, but I’m guilty of being the psycho jealous girlfriend who actually blocked girls repeatedly from my ex’s Facebook and Instagram accounts while we were dating… It was hard to stop, but I decided I never wanted to experience that burning angry feeling that made me want to throw up every time I got stalker-y and jealous. I can’t say I haven’t occasionally wondered about whether there’s anything suspicious on my boyfriend’s phone, just out of curiosity (and from seeing way too many Instagram memes about it) but it was important for me to set boundaries for myself. I don’t want to become that distrustful, sneaky person again, and I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling like that either.
It’s a slippery slope from checking once just to get rid of nagging insecurities, to constantly being anxious about what they might be doing behind your back, and not trusting them enough to believe what they say. If they’re cheating on you, they’re probably smart enough not to comment heart-eyed emojis on someone’s pictures and they’ll probably delete her texts too, so why bother checking? Trust your gut, and if something makes you uncomfortable, try to talk to them about it. But don’t go sneaking around behind their back because if you can’t trust them enough to take their word for it, then it isn’t a great relationship anyway, and it definitely isn’t worth the stress of worrying if you’re being cheated on.
All boyfriends/girlfriends shall remain innocent until proven guilty! Every relationship is somewhat of a gamble of trust, but if the person hasn’t done anything to make you distrust them, try to let go of the pain you’ve gone through during past relationships and don’t just expect the new person to cheat or treat you badly. The worst mistake you can make is to drive a great partner away by misplacing blame on them for something your high school boyfriend did to you 6 years ago. Don’t let the mistakes of your old teenage ex define every relationship you have in the future, or you’ll always expect to get hurt like you did when you were 16 and neither of you knew how to even be in a healthy relationship.
Be each other’s cheerleaders. Encourage each other and support each other’s dreams! This is especially important because a partner should be one of the first people you come to when something good happens to you, and you’d want to be that person to them too. Give good advice you think will help them and show enthusiasm when something exciting happens. There’s no such thing as too much positivity or good attention.
Pick up new hobbies together. If you started dating just because you both liked the same movies or had the same taste in music, chances are that your mutual interests will get old eventually, because your tastes will probably change over time. If you’re in it for the long haul, you have to find activities you both enjoy doing together. My boyfriend and I like to start watching new TV shows together which makes it our thing, and gives us another source of references for our many inside jokes.
Don’t hold their past against them. Try not to get mad or jealous if they slept with a bunch of people before you two dated because that has nothing to do with you. What’s important is how they’ve acted since you met and started dating. You shouldn’t blame someone for something they did before they even knew you existed.
Keep complimenting each other even if you’ve been dating forever. It’s easy to stop doing this over time because you already know you both are attracted to each other. But it’s still nice to hear that the one person you really want to think you’re hot is still into you, or to know that they still think you’re beautiful even after seeing you in the morning all greasy-haired and crusty-eyed. Getting a compliment from your significant other feels a thousand times better than getting 200 likes on an Instagram picture (well, maybe not, but it’s close).
Don’t ask for anything or expect anything. You should definitely expect them to treat you well, but I’m talking about material items. Your boyfriend doesn’t owe you designer bags or jewelry. Although it is nice to receive gifts, don’t be one of those girls who expects her boyfriend to spoil her with expensive things. Follow Destiny’s Child’s lead and be an Independent Woman (The house I live in, I’ve bought it / The car I’m driving, I’ve bought it / I depend on me).
Be grateful and remember to say thank you even for the little things. You’ll become more appreciative of what your partner has to offer if you’re noticing and thinking about the effort they put in to make you happy.
Say “I love you” often, or express fondness in whatever way you’re comfortable with at that stage in your relationship. It’s helpful to remind each other regularly that the love is still there.
Learn how to communicate openly and honestly with each other. This is the most important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. If you don’t express it to your partner when you’re feeling upset with something they did or didn’t do, or when you’re feeling any other emotion towards them, they will not know. This might be obvious, but if you don’t tell them directly, they probably won’t figure it out—nobody is a mind reader (and neither are you, so don’t expect anyone to be omniscient about your thoughts and feelings). If it’s too hard for you to tell them directly, try writing out a letter or a text to them explaining everything you’re feeling, and then try sending it. If it’s a good relationship, then they’re likely to respond well and try to help you meet your needs.
Another important part of communication is active listening. When your partner is talking to you, don’t just think about what you want to say next—focus on them, then think of how you will respond after. It’s important to let them be heard and be empathetic so you can be there for them and give them what they need. Because while a relationship can be great in that you have someone who will be there for you, it’s your duty (really, it should be your privilege and pleasure) to be a good friend to your partner.

Post-grad fears vs dreams

I’m sitting in bed next to my boyfriend while he studies for his finals in his second year of law school. I scroll through my Facebook feed on my laptop, seeing updates of my friends’ post-grad successes, like a form of voyeurism that will only make me hate myself in comparison. Jody is attending another law school mixer. Angelica will be free to talk to me on Wednesday when she has a day off from her grad school classes at USC. Nikki just posted a picture of the Christmas tree in her apartment in New York City. Every day I see another person from my graduating class adding their new job to their Facebook profile, or Instagram a picture of their freshly-printed business cards tagged at the company they’re working for (usually something hip like a startup in San Francisco—yeah, we know you have a fun job, thanks for rubbing it in everyone’s faces).

Meanwhile, I procrastinate and read every article about race or feminism that pops up on my feed, or hell, even watch a video recapping the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I instant message chat with my nine-year-old sister. I go through the photos on my Google Drive to free up more storage space. I’ll do anything I possibly can to avoid facing my fears and actually revive the blogs I’ve built (and gradually abandoned) over the past two years, like I told everyone I would after I finished college.

It’ll be better when I won’t have to focus on school and I’ll have so much time to write.

turned into

I’d have more time to write if I didn’t have to wake up at 5am for a part time job that makes me exhausted and miserable.

I’ve been making up these excuses for months about why I can’t write and how life gets in the way, and I see myself slipping into a 9 to 5 job that doesn’t suit me—and in turn, to mediocrity—because I’m afraid that if I actually try to make it as a professional writer, I will fail.

Trying to make a living off of my creative skill is a privilege, yet incredibly terrifying.
Don’t get me wrong—I know I’m not an utter failure (yet). I graduated from college in four years, which is probably more than most people my age can say for themselves, and I’m fortunate enough not be in debt either (loved ones remind me of this repeatedly when I break down about how unhappy I am with my life, and this is my mantra to keep myself from spiraling into depression). I’m grateful to have the luxury of pursuing my passion even though I don’t know if I’ll make any money.

But the stakes are still high. I’m scared that nobody will care about what I have to say—or worse, that they’ll think I’m either too shallow or too radical based on my content, and I freeze up, too anxious to write at all. I’m scared that I’ll become the broken link in a chain of four generations of journalists, the end of a legacy. I’m scared that I don’t have what it takes to follow in my dad’s footsteps, that I don’t have the drive to work for myself. I’m scared that I’ll fall so far behind and watch everyone else in my life excel professionally while I chase a dream that may never come true.

But what scares me even more is regret—that I’ll let my excuses and fears control me, and that I’ll wake up one day stuck at a job I hate, wondering how my life would have turned out if I’d only taken a few hours a day to push myself into writing again, instead of comparing myself to the appearance of success my friends had online.

I often have to remind myself that no matter what people post about on social media, or what path they take professionally, nobody really knows what they’re doing at 22. We’re all just trying to figure out who we are, and I owe it to myself to listen to my gut and take advantage of the opportunity I’ve been given to take the risk of following my dreams, to be brave and at least try.

How to Get Good at Anything: The 30 Day Challenge

Everyone has a hobby that they loved when they were kids but stopped doing when they grew up, or always wanted to learn but never made time. For me, that hobby was drawing. As a kid, I loved to draw characters from books I read or from my own imagination. Since I couldn’t gain coolness points in middle school for anything besides sports or being on people’s Top 8 on MySpace, I stopped drawing and didn’t get back into it until I was in college. A few years ago, my dad suggested that we do a family challenge where we each sketch every day for a month and have a prize at the end. We decided to do this challenge again two years later, and now drawing after dinner is one of my favorite parts of the day.

Here’s what I’ve learned from the 30 day challenge model:

You will suck at first, but that’s okay. If you keep working on the skill every day for a month, just by continuously putting in effort over an extended period of time, you will improve, no matter what.
Pick a time of day that works best for you, when you know you have at least 10-25 minutes to focus on the skill you want to build. I usually spend a couple hours watching TV at night to wind down before bed, so I chose to draw while half-watching old episodes of Modern Family.
Setting up a system of accountability is key. Ask a friend or family members if they’re interested in joining you in your 30 day challenge, and show them it can be fun! When you have someone doing it with you, you’ll be more likely to stick to it because you won’t want to let them down and they won’t want to let you down either. If you can’t get anyone to participate, ask someone to let you check in with them daily, so that you’ll have someone to hold you accountable in case you feel like skipping a day.
Missing a day is fine, but try not to miss two days in a row because it’ll pile up on you and you could lose momentum. If you can’t practice the skill one day because you’re busy, just make up for it the next day.
Set your daily goal so low that you can’t not do it. When you’re starting out, just the idea of having to work on the skill can seem daunting. I’m at the beginning of my writing challenge month and getting back into the habit of writing is a difficult task in itself. So I set my daily goal to write for at least half an hour, and hope that by starting, I’ll end up getting into the writing mood and end up with a longer session anyway.
Treat yo self. Decide at the beginning of the month what your reward will be for completing the challenge. It can be as simple or extravagant as you want—just as long as it’ll motivate you beyond gaining the skill as a reward. For my family, our prize was to get some delicious cinnamon rolls in Berkeley at Cinnaholic.
After the month is over, see if you can continue refining your skill. I was so happy at the end of the drawing challenge month that I wanted to keep going on my own. Seeing how much you improve after a few weeks can be enough of a reward to keep you going even when the challenge is over. If you can keep working on it at least 10 minutes a day, you’ll build your skill even more.

Graduation: College Series Finale

PC: Steve Guzman

For the past few months, I’ve looked around at my university, my friends, and Isla Vista with graduation goggles—a la How I Met Your Mother. I arch my neck to look up at the familiar eucalyptus trees lined outside the bike path by HSSB. I smile when I hear the bells chiming in Storke Tower while I’m showering in my apartment before I head to class. I pause to admire the cotton-candy skies around 7-8pm while I’m walking across the lawn in Santa Ynez, without bothering to take a picture because I know my iPhone 6 can’t do the Isla Vista sunsets justice.

I haven’t forgotten the bad memories either, but now they feel more like events from another life.
I notice that the grassy lawn in front of the library has been uprooted, where I sat with someone I once liked.
I let out a quiet chuckle to myself while riding the 11 to campus, thinking about how I planned to move to Italy after I graduated, and how I almost got married when I was still living in FT.
I walk down Camino Del Sur now without feeling as terrible as I did before knowing that my current boyfriend no longer lives a few blocks away from me.

Graduating feels exactly like coming to the end of a TV series. You know you’re winding down to the final few episodes and the finale is approaching in a few more hours of binge-watching. You’ve immersed yourself in this story for the past 4 years.

You just want to know how it’ll end. You want to know everything turns out okay, that the characters will be happy and won’t cease to exist even though new episodes stop airing. You want to know that Angelica gets her dream house, that she graduates from USC, and watches her little brother grow up and learn how to speak Spanish fluently. You want to see Ting get married to someone who will appreciate how dedicated he can be to the people he loves, and meet his adorable Taiwanese babies (whom he’ll inevitably spoil rotten). You want to see pictures on Instagram of Ivan and his future girlfriend, because you know he’s going to be the perfect attentive boyfriend and you want to see him find love. You want to go to the movies and watch whatever cool documentaries Steve makes.

You want to know if Chloe will find a job she loves, if long distance works out, if she’ll end up moving back to Guam, if she has kids, if she ends up happy. You want to know that college was an awesome series, but that there’s something better out there, because life goes on.

Advice to My 18 Year Old Self

My sister (cousin, soul mate) Samantha just got accepted to some great colleges and was awarded a full scholarship—I can’t get over how proud I am of her and how inspiring she is to me. As a soon-to-be college graduate, I have so much advice and love I want to share with her (and anyone else who’s about to start college this year), so I’ve written a list of things I wish I had known when I was 18.

Get a job and save your money. A part-time job can help a lot and doesn’t have to take up too much of your time, either. My parents kept telling me to get a job when I started college but I was too lazy and too wrapped up in my relationship, making new friends, and binge-watching TV to think about my future, let alone my finances. I didn’t have any big living expenses when I was 18-21, so I wish I had saved up money for traveling or for a car, instead of splurging on clothes I don’t even wear anymore. Clothes are just things you’ll enjoy for a little while, but I wish I had saved up for experiences that’ll last me much longer than a bunch of crop tops.

Don’t get into a relationship. My biggest regret of my early adult years was getting a boyfriend right before I started college. At the time, I thought I was happy, but being in a relationship really prevented me from going out and trying new things that I would’ve done if I weren’t so concerned with my boyfriend’s feelings. These are the most formative years of your adult life. You’re only 18—you don’t know what you want in life yet, and if you think you do, chances are that you’ll change so much by the time you graduate that you won’t even be with the person you’re dating now. Go out and make new friends, go on adventures, have (safe) sex with whomever you want, do things alone—just have fun and figure out what makes you happy and what inspires you as an individual. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in love later.

Don’t be afraid of talking to new people. Maybe it’s our anti-social social media culture, or maybe it’s just because I’m an introvert, but I used to purposely avoid saying hi to people I knew or talking to new people in class (or anywhere). I dated this guy who went out of his way to talk to new people and stopped to talk to acquaintances everywhere he went, and eventually I started doing it too. I still hate getting into awkward conversations, but you’d be surprised at how many good friendships and connections you can make by biting the bullet and talking to people even if you don’t feel like it at first. Even if you don’t feel super confident or comfortable talking to people you don’t know, start small—talk to whoever is around you or find another person who is alone and talk about how awkward it is to talk to new people (how meta).

Join clubs and go to meetings. I can’t stress enough how important this is to figuring out who you are and what issues are important to you, and making lifelong friends. I reluctantly dragged myself to meetings for the Pacific Islander Student Association, and I ended up becoming the co-chair by the end of the year, and learned a lot about what it means to be a Pacific Islander. I joined the Student Commission on Racial Equality and discovered a passion for social justice—I didn’t even call myself a feminist until I joined this club. Putting yourself into groups with other people who know more about things than you do but have similar interests helps you learn so much. Joining clubs will help you make the most out of your college experience.

Everything will be okay. I’m a naturally anxious person and I go into spirals of bad thoughts and worries. It took me a long time to learn that even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time, things will always work themselves out in the end. It’s cliche, but bad situations help you grow so much. They even turn out to be funny stories you can tell people later (like the time I was engaged, lol what).

Fall in love with yourself. This is 100% the most important thing you can do as a young adult. I’ve dedicated this entire blog to falling in love with yourself, which goes to show how important it is. Friends and girlfriends/boyfriends will come and go and you won’t always get to live near your family. The only person who will always be in your life is you, so you might as well get to know her and enjoy her company. Take the time to think really hard about what makes you happy and find ways to enjoy being alone, because you are going to be alone a lot (and I’m sorry if that sounds depressing, but it can actually be a good thing!). When I was 20 and started my journey of self-love, I even went so far as taking myself on solitary dates to the beach or out to get food and talking to myself (only when I was completely alone lol) and wearing a ring to remind myself to honor my own needs and happiness. Be completely selfish! Post a bunch of selfies! Eat as much as you want and love your body! The sooner you learn to love yourself and be okay with being alone, the happier you’ll be in life.