How I Started My Long-term Blog and Stay Motivated to Write

Since I started publishing my writing through Lovescrewed last year, people have asked me how I stay motivated to write. I’m no writing expert, and I certainly don’t post as regularly as I’d like to–this almost seems like a joke post, since the last time I published an article on this blog was over a month ago.

In any case, I have a few pointers for starting long-term blogs. Here are some tips for anyone interested in the process of how I started Lovescrewed:

  1. Choose a general theme/topic you’re interested in. Before I started Lovescrewed, I had a few other small blogs I’d started in the past, often because my dad encouraged me to write. None of them really stuck though, because they lacked purpose. In high school, I’d write superficial posts like, “10 things you didn’t know about me” or “why Jake Gyllenhaal was hot in Prince of Persia,” then I’d lose interest. But when I began writing for Lovescrewed, I had a wide breadth of topics I was eager to explore, and I had chosen an area that I knew a lot about. Choosing a general theme or mission is an important first step to starting a long-term blog.
  2. Brainstorm. When Franceska and I first came up with the idea for Lovescrewed, we got serious and went into a brainstorming frenzy. First, we started a collaborative Google Doc (I highly recommend Google Docs for saving all your writing and working with others online, by the way) and listed about a hundred different topics we wanted to write about that dealt with heartbreak, self-love, and relationships. Brainstorming article topics or general subject areas gives you a resource to fall back on when you run out of ideas to write about. Whenever I was in the mood to write, I’d turn to the list and pick whatever topic was the most interesting or most relevant to my life at the moment. And I’d add to the list later when I thought of new topics I wanted to write about in the future.
  3. Identify your blog’s mission and focus. After brainstorming topic ideas, we asked ourselves the important main questions: 1. what do we want to write about? (our original focus was “girl power/women empowerment/punket power stuff”) and 2. who is our target audience? Looking through the topic list, we figured out that we generally wanted to write about love in its many different forms (relationships, self-love, loving life, positivity) and decided that would be our focus. After identifying the blog’s mission and focus, the blog title ideas came more easily, which is how we came up with Lovescrewed. Figuring out who exactly we wanted to write for was important too, because it’s important to set the tone of your writing with the audience in mind, especially when writing an advice/self-help blog like ours.
  4. Figure out your optimal writing conditions. I’ve discovered that I write best in the morning soon after I wake up, so I try to take advantage of that burst of creative energy as much as possible. It helps to try writing at different times of the day in different environments (at home, in a coffee shop, etc.) to see what works best for you.
  5. Stay motivated: create deals for accountability, punishment/reward system.
    The next step was the hardest: staying motivated. Writing consistently for your own blog is a struggle, and in order to create a habit of writing daily, it helped me to make a deal with my dad to keep me accountable. We agreed that for every day I didn’t write for my blog, I had to go three days without watching TV (which is nearly impossible for me to do, especially because this happened during Breaking Bad‘s final season). This accountability deal worked well for me, and I ended up writing daily for a few months before I got too busy with school.
  6. Extra resource: My dad’s article on what he’s learned as a writer really helps with starting a blog.

Seasons of Love: The Effects of Anti-Feminist TV Characters on Self-Image

Over the past month or so, I’ve gotten into re-watching Gilmore Girls. I went through puberty and adolescence watching this series. As a dorky 13 year old, I identified personally with the show’s protagonist Rory Gilmore–a beautiful, smart, nerdy, charismatic teenager who loved reading and was hopelessly awkward with boys. I looked to her in my teens (and still have up to this day) as my role model while I formed my opinions about romance and dating.

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Each season of Gilmore Girls is characterized by the boy Rory is dating. We all know season 1 as Dean’s era, season 2 as Jess’s introduction, season 3 as Rory + bad boy Jess, season 4 as Dean’s era pt. 2, and the last few seasons as Logan’s stint with our heroine. This article debates about which boyfriend was best for Rory–obviously Rory was nothing without her love interests.

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Source: Wetpaint

Many other TV shows do this with female lead characters–Buffy the Vampire Slayer switches from vampire to human to vampire love interests each season, Mindy Lahiri has an endless slew of boyfriends in The Mindy Project, and even the feminist Tina Fey’s 30 Rock seasons can be categorized by Liz Lemon’s boyfriends. With very few exceptions (if there are any exceptions at all), TV shows with female leads center on the lead’s romantic life.

I often mentally categorize my life in similar yearly “seasons” too, because of how much TV has influenced me personally. I look back on the past few years of my life as the “casual dating season,” “the yearlong dramatic/long distance/engagement season,” the “shitty long distance season,” the “high school sweethearts season” and so on. My life in seasons categorized by relationships goes all the way back to my early childhood: the “preschool first crush season” was probably my first.

I’ve categorized the stages of my life in terms of my romantic interests for as long as I can remember. I’ve been coming to consciousness with how much importance I put on romance and men in my life, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized how deeply rooted this mindset was for me.

This makes me scared and unnerved to no end. How could I have lost myself so much in my pursuit of other people? Have I ever really had a true self if my sense of self has always been anchored by impermanent relationships?

Looking back on the TV shows that have influenced my romantic beliefs and behavior so strongly, I feel jaded. I spent my whole life strongly believing that I needed a boyfriend for my life to be interesting. All my female heroes’ lives seemed to revolve around a man; so logically, my life should do the same.

As an avid watcher of quality television (although I’m questioning the “quality” of my shows in terms of progressiveness now), it’s frustrating to know that it’s almost unavoidable to escape gender stereotypes or gender role perpetuation while watching TV. Do we really need to take breaks from being feminists to watch TV, as this article by the Onion pokes fun at?

I know TV shows are getting more progressive–Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation is one of my favorite feminist characters, but Parks isn’t without its problems (besides feminist issues, their portrayal of Native Americans is pretty bad). Ann Perkins, beautiful tropical fish, tries to date herself after realizing how much she changes for men, then ends up having the gorgeous Chris Traeger’s baby; we say goodbye to Ann as she settles into her life of perfect (although unmarried) domesticity. Also, can we mention white feminism here?

One of the reasons why I chose to major in Film/Media Studies at my university is that my greatest aspiration in life is to create my own (obviously very feminist) TV show with a strong womxn of color lead character. I plan to get there eventually, maybe after I’ve worked as a journalist for a while and have come to believe in myself enough to do something great with my life. I can sit with the frustration of the lack of feminist television options all I want, but who is actually going to do it? As Toni Morrison said, “if there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” If there is something lacking in television and the media, I believe it’s my duty to create it.

objects

I don’t remember
when I gave you permission
to judge my body

Is it inherent
for men to have the right to
compliment my butt?

Am I supposed to
smile and thank you when you
say my boobs look good?

When I wear lipstick
because it makes me happy
you don’t understand

You seem so confused
“Who are you tryna impress?”
(I must want the D)

How about myself?
You misogynistic shit
Oh but I’m sorry

I have forgotten
that women only do things
because men wish it

 

Note: I’ve been browsing through poems on the awesome misandry in haiku tumblr and it inspired me to write a (shittier) one of my own.

Know Your Worth

**Using gender-neutral pronouns here, so note the use of they/their as referring to a single person

A while ago I had a huge crush on one of my friends (which was reciprocated in full). We flirted a lot, but also shared a lot of our deepest, most personal secrets with each other. This person was still interested in their ex, and I thought I was okay with it. I mean, as long as we were together, I could overlook it. After getting pretty deep into it emotionally together, I found out this person was still talking and fighting with their ex even after I thought they were done. This person still wanted to be with me anyway, even wanted to talk to me about their problems from their previous/still ongoing relationship with this semi-ex/still-relevant significant other.

I had a few options at this point:
1. I could stick around. I’d had feelings for this person since last fall and I’d been dreaming about what it would be like if we finally got together. Was I really going to give up now?

2. I could stop. It wouldn’t really be quitting or failing at this attempt at love. I really did try. I gave this person a chance and an intimate position in my life. I opened myself up deeply and genuinely, connecting with them in a way I never had before with anyone else. I could accept that it was fun while it lasted, but know that I’m better than waiting for someone who got to see the real me and didn’t want me enough to take this opportunity.

I chose the latter.

Maybe at the beginning of 2013 or earlier, I would’ve stuck around. I had lower self-esteem before and often settled for whoever took any interest in me.

This person had their chance. I could have stayed and waited for them to make up their mind, but I didn’t. I know that I am an intelligent, beautiful person who deserves someone who will fully appreciate me for who I am. I know that I’m worth having a partner who wants to be with me, without having to fully weigh out their options before they decide they think I’m worth it. I know I’m worth better than playing second fiddle to some person who didn’t even give my person the time of day.

If someone is stringing you along, don’t wait around. Make your move, let them know how you feel, and put the ball in their court. If they don’t respond/don’t realize how great a person you are, then know when to let go and move forward. Know your worth, and don’t look back to someone who wasn’t smart enough to realize what a catch you are.

13 Lessons I’ve Learned in 2013

2013 has undoubtedly been the best year of my life. I learned to truly love myself, opened up my heart to new people even after having my heart broken just a few months before the year began, made more new friends in a single year than in my entire life, traveled a bit, and got closer to my family. This year has been such a beautiful journey for me. I’ve learned so much about life and love, and I have a few things I want to share with you all, as cliche or obvious as they may be. I’m no expert, but here are a few lessons I’ve learned this year that I think people might find useful:

  1. Be honest and open, always. A few months ago, I made the choice to be totally open with my thoughts and feelings. From starting this blog and turning my painful past into lessons in articles, to coming out to everyone I know, to just telling people daily how I feel about them or what I think, my life has improved so much just by being more open. I live with less regret and less worrying, and I feel great.
  2. The only person who can heal you is yourself. Even at the beginning of this year, I sought people who could fix my emotional wounds that festered over time. I learned that trying to use other people to heal me only made those wounds deeper. Only after I learned to take care of myself and love myself did I really begin to heal those wounds.
  3. Alone doesn’t always mean lonely. I used to be so afraid of being alone and went from one committed relationship to the next. But I’ve learned that it takes time to get over each relationship, and that time you spend alone makes you stronger.  Now I need lots of alone time just to be happy!
  4. You don’t need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy.  After being single for awhile, my life gets increasingly better. I’m much happier and more fun to be around.
  5. Nobody cares. I used to worry so much about what people thought about what I looked like or how I acted, but really, nobody notices the little flaws about me as much as I do. Nobody cares if my hair looks unwashed or my clothes are wrinkled. Other people are often so wrapped up in their own problems that they won’t notice your little imperfections, so don’t sweat it.
  6. People care. People may not care about the tiny imperfections, but they care about you. This year has taught me that there are so many people out there who will be there for me, there are so many goodhearted people in the world. Even if it sometimes feels like it, you’re never really alone.
  7. There will be people who don’t like you. I used to always stress over getting people to like me and pleasing others. Although I still do this a lot, I understand that not everyone will like me, no matter what I do. And that’s okay. I have people who love me whom I love back and that’s all that matters.
  8. Just because someone thinks you’re attractive doesn’t mean they’ll be the only one who thinks so. Don’t settle for the first person who hits on you; stick it out, be picky, and wait until you’ve found the person who truly deserves you.
  9. You are beautiful. In a society that constantly tries to remind womxn that we are flawed and far from the unrealistic yet ideal beauty standard, it’s important to remember who created these beauty standards. Corporations (controlled predominantly by men) create a fake image of what womxn should look like, in order to break down our self-esteem so that we spend our money on beauty products, clothes, and other services, trying desperately to conform to that unrealistic beauty standard. Forget what they say, do what you want–whether that means wearing makeup or not–but just do it because it makes you feel good, not because you’re trying to look the way men want  you to.
  10. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone.
  11. Tell the people you love that you love them. You could die at literally any second, and so could your loved ones. Don’t let a day go by when you don’t tell people you love that you love them; you may regret it if you don’t. Plus it really brightens people’s days when you tell them how you feel, so why wouldn’t you do it?
  12. Haters gon’ hate. Everyone has their own problems and you will always have to interact with negative people. People are bound to be mean to you at some point, but don’t let it get to you. More often than not, people will project their own insecurities or problems onto you; don’t take it personally.
  13. Live your life for yourself, not for anyone else. You can major in a subject you’re not really interested in just because your parents tell you to, you can take a job because your parents want you to, you can live your life staying in the closet because you’re afraid of what people will think of you. But really, it is your life, not theirs. Spend your time doing what you love, with people who make you feel happy, and pursuing your passions; you don’t want to look back on your life years from now and realize that you only did things to make other people happy and ignored your true ambitions.

I’m incredibly grateful for everyone who has been a part of my life this year–from my loving family who supports me with whatever I do, my friends (new and old) at UCSB who inspire me and helped me make great memories this year, my friends back on Guam who’ve been so supportive of my writing, and everyone else I’ve met this year that has brought positivity to my life. I love you all, and I hope I can continue to provide quality writing on Lovescrewed as I keep going on my path of self-discovery and self-love.

Happy New Year!