Monthly Archives: September 2013

There Are Plenty of Fish in the Sea, But Focus on the Fisherman

“You’re so young and there are so many people out there for you.”

This is the phrase I find myself telling my friends more than anything else, in regards to love advice. So many people I know (myself included) get hung up over their own relationship drama. We make ourselves miserable when things don’t go the way we want them to in our romantic relationships. But really, what’s the point?

I’ve spent so much of my time feeling bad about issues I create in my head about guys I like, which only distracts me from the awesome things I do have going for me. I’m not trying to brag, but I love my life — I have an incredibly supportive group of family and friends who love me (for whatever reason that may be), I get to travel to fun places several times a year without paying for anything, I go to a UC and have parents who are able to support me, I’m not in debt, and for 9 months out of the year, I live within walking distance of the Pacific Ocean. But most of the time, I forget all of this and let myself focus on the little relationship problems that don’t really matter.

Eventually (recently) I realized that at this point in my life, romance only holds me back from being the person I’m meant to be. When I’m in a relationship, I turn into this needy crybaby who over-analyzes every single thing her partner does. I hope to become better at relationships someday, but I know that I have to work on myself before I get involved with anyone else. Even though it hurt, I took my last breakup as a blessing in disguise. I love being in love, but I realize now that I have to take this time being single to focus on learning to love myself before I can really love another person, without being insecure and bringing myself down.

Part of my realization stemmed from things I read about what people are like while they’re in their 20s. A few months ago, a friend of mine gave me a book about how the 20s are the most formative years of a person’s life (it’s called The Defining Decade by the way, and I recommend it to anyone in their 20s). The book talks about how romantic love is important, but when you’re young, you’re not emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with the stress and other issues that come with serious committed relationships.

I thought about this and agreed —  I noticed that a lot of my relationship problems were a result of my immaturity, or the combined immaturity of my former partners and myself. I see so many other young couples going through crappy relationship problems because both of them aren’t ready to be in a non-codependent relationship in which they treat each other with respect.

Instead, I think young people should spend these formative years focusing on personal growth. We’re young, so we still have a lot to learn about the world and ourselves. Take the time to try new things and push your boundaries. There are plenty of people to fall in love with and plenty of time to do it, but you don’t have all the time in the world to be young or the opportunities you might have now to figure out what you love to do. Focus on doing what you love, and learn to love yourself.

–Chloe

Be the Role Model You Wish You Had

A while back, I was in a toxic relationship. My boyfriend fought with me (verbally) and cussed at me, got mad at me over the littlest things, and made me feel bad about myself deeply. After crying my eyes out while he yelled at me over Skype, I decided that enough was enough. I needed to do better for myself and get out of the relationship.

I’ll also mention that I’m the oldest of 6 children and many cousins in my family, so naturally I serve as a role model for lots of my younger loved ones. So when I decided I needed to get out of the toxic relationship, I knew that I didn’t just need to do it for myself, but for my siblings. They saw my crazy mood swings, from crying at home to being elated and browsing Pinterest for our wedding ideas. They didn’t mention it to me, but I could tell they knew that this relationship was taking a toll on me.

If I let my little sisters see me stay with a guy who treated me with disrespect, I’d be sending them the message that it’s okay to let someone abuse you and not do anything about it. And if I let my younger brothers see me take the emotional abuse and still give love to my partner who wronged me, they might think it’s okay to treat their future girlfriends or wives that way too.

I used the goal of setting a good example for my siblings as a driving force to be the strongest person I could be. I said goodbye to the bad relationship with the intention of never looking back.

I have strong female role models in my life, and I wanted to be the same kind of person who could inspire those who look to me as an example. I couldn’t handle if it if I saw my little sisters in abusive relationships, much less if I knew it was because they learned the passive behavior from me. So when it gets hard to try to do the right thing, I remember the boys and especially the girls who look up to me and use them as my motivation. If you have anyone in your life who has you as a role model, keep them in mind when life gets rough. Even if you can’t be better for yourself, be strong for them.

–Chloe

Related articles

How to Get Your Partner to Spend More Time with You Without Seeming Needy

Asking your partner to give you more attention or spend more time with you is tricky because it’s easy to come off as needy, if you approach the subject incorrectly. It’s a problem many people face, and is definitely a one I’ve faced many times in past relationships. To figure out the root of your problem, you might want to try thinking introspectively first before talking to your partner about it.

So before you go and tell off your partner for being a horrible negligent asshole, you should re-evaluate how much attention you really need. If you wish your partner would at least see you once or twice a week, that’s a reasonable request. But if you expect your partner to be with you 24/7, and you get upset when he doesn’t meet that expectation, that’s another story.

I used to freak out if my boyfriend didn’t respond to a text for over an hour or if I saw him talking to other people on Facebook when I was still waiting for him to talk to me (yes, I know I used to be a psycho). But instead of blaming him for not making enough time for me, I should’ve made more time for myself. I should’ve been content with the time we spent together but make myself happy when we were apart.

Nobody should make their partner the only thing that makes them happy (much less when you’ve only been dating for a few months). If you think it through and realize that you do spend a reasonable amount of time with your partner, find other things to occupy your time that make you happy, or spend time with other friends. Your partner isn’t the only person in the world who you can have a good time with.

If you notice that your partner doesn’t make time to see you regularly (at least a few times a week, if not once minimum) or doesn’t even bother to contact you through texts or calls every day or so, then you have a reason to ask for more time together. If you two agreed to be in a relationship, that usually entails spending time with each other.

When approaching this subject with your partner, keep a few things in mind: First, don’t accuse him of ignoring you or not wanting to spend time with you. He’ll probably get hurt, angry, or defensive, and will be less receptive to giving you more attention. Second, let him know how you feel. You are his partner, you adore him, and you just want more time with him. If you explain it in a way that makes him feel good about himself and help him to understand where you’re coming from, the outcome is more likely to be positive. Don’t tell him you need to be with him all the time, because you’ll come off as clingy. Just let him know you’d love to see him more often.

Also, you could try setting up fun dates to go on with him. If he has fun, enjoys the time spent with you, and sees how much effort you put into it, he might just want to do the same for you.

–Chloe

What to Do When Your Partner Isn’t Perfect

This is something everyone should find relatable — nobody is perfect. 

Most people have a mental checklist of qualities they look for in a partner. For example, my ideal guy would be 6 ft or taller, have amazing dark eyebrows (basically I just want someone who looks vaguely like Brandon Routh and will serenade me like Darren Criss), watches all of my favorite TV shows, reads a lot, doesn’t play video games, loves to cuddle, etc.

But if you look back on the people I’ve actually dated, none of them meet any of those standards. You may argue that I don’t have game or that I don’t choose good partners, but that isn’t true (at least on one of those counts). I choose people who are nice to me, treat me with respect, enjoy my company, and laugh at my lame jokes.

The point is, these standards of perfection for a partner don’t matter. If I don’t expect my boyfriend to meet all of those superficial standards, why should I expect anything else of him, other than to treat me with love and respect?

It’s so easy to find things about your partner that annoy you or that you think are deal breakers. But really, you’re dating a human. Imperfection is in our nature. And if you did somehow find a person who’s “perfect,” then he’d be boring because he lacks that passion and spice you get with a real person who has quirks.

Don’t expect anyone to be exactly who you think they are, because then you’ll never be happy. Instead, be aware of those expectations. They’re a result of years of brainwashing by Disney movies (I apologize for bashing Disney movies because it seems like everyone loves to blame them for all our emotional/psychological problems nowadays) in which the princess and prince fall in love and live happily ever after, rom-coms in which characters end up with their modern-day happily-ever-after,  and our society’s too-idealistic take on love in general.

Recognize that your partner is flawed, but love him anyway (unless those flaws are serious, like he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t make any effort in the relationship, or makes you feel bad about yourself intentionally. In which case, dump his ass). And remember that you’re flawed too, but you should expect people to love you in return as well.

I feel a little sad that I don’t look at life through the same rose-colored glasses that I used to, but I’m starting to accept that people aren’t exactly what you want them to be, and that’s okay. Be grateful just knowing that you actually have someone to love, who loves you back. Without being greedy, there isn’t much more you need to ask for.

-Chloe

Don’t Look Back in Anger: Your Mistakes and Hardships Help You Grow

I won’t get into the whole story, but I ended up Googling myself today (don’t judge — we’ve all done it). One of the search results was for a wedding registry on the Knot for my ex-fiance and me, and the wedding date was set for next summer. My initial reaction was to shout “no!” from the top of my lungs. I couldn’t believe there was still evidence of that extremely painful part of my life on the Internet, especially something so easy to for anyone stumble upon. Then I went through feeling briefly sad at how things turned out, to extremely relieved. I can’t imagine how my life would’ve turned out if I’d actually gotten married. I often get upset with myself for being that dumb and naïve, for putting myself through so much emotional and mental stress, and ignoring all my loved ones who tried to advise me against it.

But really, what’s the point in hating yourself for making a mistake? Sure, I know better now, but I wouldn’t know what I do now if I hadn’t made that mistake. It doesn’t matter how badly you mess up — what matters is what you take away from the experience. I didn’t know these seemingly obvious things when I was younger, but because of this experience, I learned never to stay in a relationship with someone who wanted to control or change me. I learned that I have so much more to offer than just being someone’s girlfriend. I learned that nothing lasts forever (no matter how much you will it), but that isn’t always a bad thing. I’m not perfect now, but because of that mistake, I became the much stronger, smarter person I am today, and I wouldn’t have come this far otherwise.

You may feel like shit when you think about the embarrassing choices you’ve made in the past, the people you dated, the opportunities you missed, and so on. But you can’t change the past. What you can control are your attitude and actions in the present. So don’t be angry when you think about your past mistakes or failures. Be glad that you put yourself out there and tried, and motivate yourself with the knowledge that if you could get through this, you could get through anything.

-Chloe

Note: I feel like I always have to mention this at the end of my ex-relationship-bashing posts. I’m in no way trying to hate on/bash my ex or our past relationship. I loved him a lot and we had great times — it wasn’t always great but I learned a lot and am at a place now where I can write about it cathartically.